Light-hearted Banter

Trying to write a timeless post takes a toll on even the greatest writers. I am currently looking at retirement homes near me. For myself of course. I know you won’t take this seriously because I’ve threatened to retire many times before. Something just keeps pulling me right back. Maybe it’s the heartfelt comments filled with spelling errors that you usually leave me.

This particular post begins from nowhere in particular, intending to take you down a trip to somewhere in particular, only to leave you stranded for no particular reason. It’s my job to open your mind and ask you why you think you were sent here. By here, I mean planet Banter. If your face provides comic relief to other humans, then it’s at least useful for something, no?

Banter or Bullying. If you can’t laugh and manage to keep your hands to yourself, then you shouldn’t be allowed to laugh ever. The joke was so funny you decided to pelt me with slaps? I will reciprocate by giving you a right hook! It gets worse. Some people laugh and fling their body your way. Just know that I’m watching you. You’re about to catch the meanest head butt on your next attempt.

Every now and then I think about the time I let out a fart in an elevator just before the door slid open on my floor. The look of horror on the faces of the people who got in just as I stepped out will never not be funny to me. Thinking about it again, I could easily have caught a body that day. Even I had to hold my breath after releasing that missle. A life threatening fart!

The concept of new year resolutions is hilarious. I’ve seen all your gym selfies. You and I know that you’re not going back the next week. What’s worse is that in your excitement you got an annual subscription. A monumental disgrace that. You’re also not going to eat healthy this year. No soda challenge but you’ve drunk a can of malt already. It’s the delusion for me.

If you get up to pee at night, give yourself a light tap on your cheek to confirm you’re indeed awake. A great many men have learned this the hard way. The only thing you’re allowed to do without confirming is eat in your dream. The food is typically delicious. Trust me, you have been missing out. Eat well, sleep well, make better decisions this year. And above all…

No gree for anybody

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved