The Proposal

~ Gottfried

“Will you marry me?” just reeks of cowardice. If anything it sounds like a suggestion which gives her the opportunity to decide whether or not to take you up on the offer. Now “Marry Me”, that’s how it’s done. You’ve made the decision to and you’re informing her of the next steps. It’s not a question anymore, and the only correct response to that is “Of course, yes”.

Proposals are not the time or place for long speeches. I’m already on one knee that’s beginning to ache. I’ll tell you all about how much I love you later, just pull me up please. I can already feel a dead leg. If you’re a lady looking to kick up a fuss, just ask the guy proposing to you “How long have you known I was the one?” There is a ninety percent chance he only just realized a month ago while taking a dump.

“Roses are red and you love bling, please marry me, I bought this ring”. My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me. Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, it actually is. Send help!

Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature. If you’re going to do a surprise proposal, take into account the kind of partner you have. There are those with whom it will be a terrible idea to bury the ring in their food. Now she’s eaten the ring, you both rushing to the emergency room and the proposal has been called off indefinitely. For these you should absolutely do “Here, catch…do you like it? Wear it!”

“I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you whether you marry me or not, but I really hope you say yes”. This only works on the emotionally intelligent. Others will see this as a threat and get a restraining order on you. If all fails you can always circle back to the ever reliable “I want to wake up close to you for the rest of my life. Will you get married to me and fulfill my dream”. You can leave out the “I snore like a pig” caveat.

Finally to my personal favorite. “Hey I have a question. There are four seats at a table, and we need to figure out where each person sits. There’s Mary, Will, you and me. Which order do sit?” Only a handful of you will get this correctly. I’m so happy for you and your new ring, I mean fiancé. It doesn’t matter that there’s no rock, you’ve got a husband. In case you don’t know, there’s a scarcity.

I do, do you?

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved

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