Fatherhood

You’re in the hospital, she’s in there, in the delivery room. The surrounding noise is drowned out in your fear and uncertainty. The time is now. You suddenly hear the cry of a baby, it’s yours, the deed is done. You’re now a father. Hard guy, hard guy, you let out a tear of joy. Congratulations, in a few months, you’ll be paying school fees. No more peace and quiet henceforth. Fatherhood.

All I’m saying is, get married at the ripe age of forty-five, so that, if everything goes according to plan, your son will be fifteen at your funeral. The Igbo mans’ dream eh! But for real though, that’s why there’s an emphasis on getting married early. So, you at least get to grow up with your kids. Plus, you’ll be around long enough to pay their way through to a Masters’ Degree. I mean, at the very least “settle them” handsomely before you run off to your ancestors. Give your daughter off on her wedding day for a few coins, a la tradition.

Fatherhood is tough, the biggest issue for me would be waking up early to conduct the family prayers. I’m just trying to sleep man, don’t want none of these responsibilities. Then your kids grow to a certain age and you have “the talk” with them. They want to know where babies come from. You know the lie you told about them coming from the freezer is played out. Now I’m cut between having my son believe in Santa Claus or Superman.

Some of you don’t know your times’ tables yet. I got news for you chief. Wake up, it’s over! Your son is having trouble with math. You are in a pickle. The real fear is that he’s just in primary school and he’s told you that his dream is to become an engineer. Damn, that’s a lot of math. But that’s okay, tell him it’s hereditary, in your family you’re not good at Math. Got to pick your battles.

Is there some sort of law that says if there’s a noise in the middle of the night, the man of the house has to go check it out? Like, I’m scared too, why you gonna do me like that? Look, I’m all for equality and feminism, hello wife dear, go check on the criminals. Here, take this club for protection. God speed. Also, what if you’re scared of roaches and pests? There’s one in your daughter’s room, what’s your play? Isn’t it easier to throw the whole house away and start afresh?

Son is definitely going to play sports. Whether it’s archery or skiing. Nemanja Matic is a professional footballer, so there’s literally no excuse for him to not make it. Look, I’m definitely going to have medals hanging around my living room. Heck, even if it’s just “sack race” he’s good at. Best believe I’m closing from work early to go and cheer him on the sidelines. We’re bringing the gold home baby!

The dream as a father is to sit in the living room in and scream out everyone’s name, till they all come running down. Then you ask one of them to pass the remote, that’s literally two feet away from you. You, go and wash the guest toilet. You, go and mop the gate! Army Style. A king! Another highlight would be to have this to say when your kids misbehave “You think you’re doing me, you’re doing yourself“.

If I ever have twins, I’m not dressing them up in matching outfits. Especially because I’m very particular about individualism and being your own person. Haha, that’s not it, I fear might mess around and mix them up. It’s bad enough they are born seconds from each other. Matter of fact, they’re going to different schools. Imagine accidentally disciplining one for the offense of the other. How awkward would that be? Shit happens. Now your own kids are looking at you like, wow, you can father us but can’t tell us apart. Just, wow.

I badly want my kids to be outdoor children. Not all these TV children with their eyes permanently fixated on some gadgets. They barely pay attention to anything you say and they usually eat a lot of food, which is bad for my finances. Go outside son, burn all that excess fat playing dodge. What if my son turns out chubby? How am I going to live with that? Growing up, my Dad convinced me that all chubby people were lazy and it stuck. Poor boy will be competing with Mo Farah in the 10,000m steeple chase contest in no time.

I know my son is going to be getting into a lot of trouble because he’d have a smart mouth like his father. I’m just hoping that he’d also have the added ability to talk himself out of those situations. Unless of course, it’s with me, then he already lost that battle. Relate with other kids. If you get beat up, don’t come running to me! Take it on the chin, practice and when you’re ready, go back for your revenge! If you get beat up the second time, find new parents!

For someone with absolutely no experience whatsoever, I’ve had quite a lot to say about fatherhood. All in all, the experience is something I really look forward to. No, not the change nappy bit, rather the playing soccer together in the backyard bit. I think, if I’m the slightest bit as successful as my dad in raising my kids, I’d chalk it up to be my greatest achievement. After all, I turned out quite well, didn’t I?