How To See Out A First Date

~ Gottfried

From the echelon of relationships cosigned by Cupid, I bring you good tidings of great joy. Don’t fret about how your first date will pan out, I got you! All you have to do is to painstakingly read and apply every single nugget of wisdom contained in this post. All bets off, you will absolutely ace the first date, and the many more to come afterward. Let’s get into it! There’s a bunch of stuff you should absolutely do to make sure the date is a success.

Overdress. It is imperative that you adorn yourself in your Sunday best for the first date. Fellas, I’m talking a three-piece suit with a bowler hat for emphasis. How else will she know that you’re wealthy if you don’t show up in impressive regalia? Ladies, by all means, show up in nine-inch heels, he’s not the one if you’re not willing to literally fall head over heels in love with him.

Forget your manners. What’s the point in holding doors open for her? She most likely has a pair of hands and will comfortably do so herself. Leaving her to open doors by herself is a branch of feminism. Don’t be polite, women love arseholes and being a gentleman screws your chances. Try your best to be rude to the waiter, show her who’s boss around here. Chew as loudly as possible, ensure your date can see the food in your mouth as well. It shows you’re having a nice time.

Comment on what the person is or isn’t eating. In the course of the meal, you may be tempted to comment on why your date isn’t eating much or they’re eating a lot, if they’re eating a lot, please call them to order. It’s a date, not an end world hunger initiative. Constantly remind her that you’re splitting the bills and each party will pay for what they eat.

Be on your phone. Men like a woman that can multitask. If it’s possible to hold a conference call with your girlfriends, by all means, do that. What’s the point of focusing all your attention on him when you can improve on your high score in candy crush? Think about it! There’s a huge chance you bond over the lack of attention you give each other.

Make references to an ex-lover. When on a date, be very aware that your date wants to hear all about your dating history. It’s imperative that you talk about your numerous exes for as long as possible, leave no stone unturned. Dwelling on the past shows that indeed you’re ready to move on. For emphasis, mention your ex-lovers’ name so that your date can make comparisons. Healthy competition never hurt anybody!

Be mindful of costs when paying the bill. The dream on any date is to have her come over with her homegirls. And because they all have healthy appetites, you let them eat to their hearts’ satisfaction. The next step is a bit tricky but if you’re smart enough, you can pull it off. Pretend to take a business call, have yourself excused from the table and make for the nearest exit. They will reap, what they have sown!

The list is almost unending, depending on varying individual preferences, so it is imperative to avoid discussing extensively with your date prior to the day. Punctuality is unnecessary, as being late creates the impression that you have quite a lot going for you, which is a good thing.

Here is to fruitful dates, and here is to a smooth sail as you surf the sea of love.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

228 thoughts on “How To See Out A First Date”

  5. Honestly, though, the thing with not holding doors open. I support equal rights for women, but since when did being polite become sexist?! I’m female; when I hold a door open for say, a forty-eight year old man, he just says thank you and it’s not like I’m implying men are weak or something. So when a guy holds the door open for a lady, what’s the big deal?!
    I’m not sure if you saw Taylor Swift’s music video for “The Man.” She basically portrays men as complete douches and self-absorbed jerks. And literally. no. one. called her out for it. Apparently if women put down men it’s just harmless feminism but when men put down women it’s sexist. So much for equality.
    Sorry, I went on a bit of a rant, but I love your posts! Keep it up!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. haha, that holding a door open debate is eternal. Everyone has a hot take to it.

      Taylor gets away with a lot of shit. In my eye she’s like a rapper (rappers also get away with a lot).

      haha, I love love your rant

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. Yep, famous, pretty, and decently talented–of course she gets away with a lot. Although I would much rather have nine-year-old girls idolizing her instead of Ariana Grande…. so at least most of the time she’s a decent role model!

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  6. Dead right now, reading the atrocious behaviours encouraged by this post. 😂 “When on a date, be very aware that your date wants to hear all about your dating history.” That nonsense starts before you even sit down to eat. 😂😂

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  10. the first date is always a trauma: I have to pretend I haven’t noticed the wrong choice of wine; the study of the escape routes is concentrated during the consumption of the appetizer; the “call me” message to send to a friend is ready on the mobile; I have to resist the phrase “assign 3 adjectives to your life” in order not to laugh out loud; if he pronounces the word “comfort zone”, I immediately think of the men who made me feel at ease, certifying the distance from my interlocutor; if he answers his mobile phone during dinner, I am already on the starting line and with my hand in my purse I press the button to send the message “call me”; at dessert I’m calculating how much my diner’s play will cost me financially. 😛

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a reply to Deepak Joshi Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.