Think Like A Man

~ Gottfried

Ladies listen up, I’m breaking the bro code to bring you first-hand information on all the things your man/spouse/partner/husband/non-binary affiliate wouldn’t ordinarily tell you. It might cost me a steak at the cookout but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to take.

His arm hurts. I know that you love cuddling up to him with your head on his arm which apparently helps you sleep better, but you have to realize he’s not made out of vibranium. Gents, stop suffering in silence, once she falls asleep, swap with a pillow.

He’s never listening. Yeah all you just said about your day, he didn’t hear a word of it! But nod his head in agreement? Of course. If you’re in doubt, ask him what color of camisole your best friend put on at the party you went for.

How many hoodies/shirts/Polos does he have to lose before you stop? Contrary to public opinion, he doesn’t enjoy you “stealing” his items of clothing. When you borrow it for extended periods, it loses its scent. Nobody wants your Cinderella aroma, keep it to yourself.

Make up your damn mind! When he asks what you want to eat, do not (and I can’t stress this enough) reply with “I don’t know or I’m not hungry” When he gets himself something, for the love of God, suffer in silence. Don’t carry your dirty finger to pick up a piece of chicken from his plate. Just know he’s seeking help from Amadioha to refrain from slapping your hand.

He actually doesn’t mind the nagging. So long as you’re far away from the TV or PlayStation, he’s good. Heck, sometimes he misses it. Why else will he stir up inconceivable controversy? He tells you that your best friend is hitting on him, and watches with a wide grin as you lose your shit. Why? Well, just because he can!

He really wants to say you’re fat. When you put on an outfit and It doesn’t fit. Don’t ask him if you’re fat! He’s wired to think he’s being set up. You’re nailed on to get replies like “Fat? What are you talking about”. He could even feign surprise, but for what it’s worth, best believe it’s time to hit the gym honey.

He knows you’re lying. Nine times out of ten, he can sense the lie from a mile away. On some occasions he enjoys the effort you put into a good lie and he’ll be tempted to reward you. On other occasions, if you see a smirk on his face, abort, I repeat, abort the mission.

We aren’t quite finished yet when I’m done, I hope I’ll still have mandem to call my own.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

178 thoughts on “Think Like A Man”

  4. After 50 years of marriage (our anniversary is next month) I find I agree with some of your comments, am amused by others, and have some reservations about a few. In any case, marriage is the biggest job of anyone’s life, but it carries the greatest rewards. Incidentally, welcome to Virtual Vitamins. May my words be a blessing to you.

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  9. Such reinforcement that I had a God send! However, I also know that the odds of having a gift like that cross my path again are …well let’s just say I’ve already written in stone that “I’ve already had my happily ever after” & I’m good w/that #gratitude 😉.
    He was from a different mold, but then so was I; I never weighed over 90 lbs except when I was pregnant…101lbs, yes, it looked like the day I went into labor I gained 1 lb, truth is…the baby gets all the nutrition, so after a 6lb baby I was 80 some lbs (lost my appetite during pregnancy, plus it’s always been my metabolism); I know…TMI, but then…scratching ones butt is out there ya know.
    Maybe I’m amused by you because of my husband’s sense of humor?
    I won’t ramble on further. I’ll just say thank you, have a good night, a smile & #peaceandlove ☮ obviously “i” will use emoticons 🤪 ☮💞

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