Reeks of Poverty

May 27, 2019November 18, 2020 ~ Gottfried

Have you ever been so broke, all you had for dinner was sleep? Philosophers say that ‘extreme poverty anywhere is a threat to humanity everywhere’ and I quite agree with them. There’s a reason why America tries to police everyone else, secretly spying on us to see if our fortunes have changed under the guise of NGOs.

Imagine telling your friends that you’re broke when you’re not. And now, you face the daunting task of staying in character. Being poor is a somewhat relative (of course you can relate) term, so how do you really know you’re poor?

No ransom. My good friend Jerry was kidnapped. According to a number of sources he was last seen downing several wraps of cassava flakes at a popular joint. No one had heard from him in three days and it was starting to be a worry. One day, I receive a call from an unknown number.

Voice: Hey, is this Gottfried? We have your friend!

Me: What friend?

Voice: Your friend Jerry. We have him and if you don’t provide 2 million, you will be responsible for whatever happens to him!

Me: haha, just before you get ahead of yourselves, why call me in the first place

Voice: His parents weren’t picking up!

Me: 😂😂😂. The more you know! Matter of fact, that man owes me a hundred grand! Can you ask him when I’ll be getting my money back?

Voice: You think this is a joke! We will chop of his fingers!!!

Me: You might wanna reconsider, he’s good at washing dish…(line cuts)

I’ll have you know I did my best.

You get married early. It’s almost like a get-out-of-jail-free card. Are you concerned about the future? Is your career path still unclear and you can’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel? Worry no more, we present to you the State approved Poverty Alleviation Program submitted under the guise of marriage. You enjoy full diplomatic immunity and better yet, there are the odd chance generations will look up to you for making this call. Feminists call it “securing the bag”. Scintillating

You secretly scratch your butt (and sniff it) when no one is looking. Hear me out, all I’m saying is, if you’re rich, there’s probably nothing really to lose. People around will probably cheer and applaud you for doing something hilarious. It is taught in the indigenous Igbo culture to applaud and give thanks to an old man for farting, as a sign of respect! Anyways, for those of you that scratch your butt and sniff it afterward, what smell were you expecting? Lavender?

You think too long/much before making decisions. Poor people are constantly doing permutations. Do I really need to see John Wick 3 in the theatres when it will be available for illegal download in a few days?

Foodies be like: “So if I eat at 1pm, I’ll have five hours before I’m hungry again. Might as well push the meal to 2pm so it’s the last meal I eat for the day!” 😅

As a parent, you think, children don’t need all that ice cream, tooth decay is real. There’s rice at home!

You have too many friends. Yeah, you’re surprised, but did you know that people make friends ensure there’s someone willing to plan their funeral? Look inwards, why do you think David is hilarious? Is it really because he’s that funny? Or for the monthly token, he sends you to keep body and soul together? If you’re that friend that’s always complaining about how your friends are “stingy” to you. I’ve got news for you, honey!

You’re in a hurry to end phone conversations. This is the clearest indication of deeply seated generational poverty. How are you trying to economize information that is pivotal to your own success? The hell is, “Hi Gottfried, call me back it’s urgent!” First of all, nope! I’m not calling you back. Second of all, if it was so urgent when didn’t you write it down as a summary and read it to me as a citation under thirty seconds? You may approach the bench.

There’s plenty more where this is coming from. This guy at work was trying to convince me that using a body spray could result in skin cancer as an argument against buying a deodorant. So he’s essentially sniffing the life out of us to save a few bucks? Do better, choose cancer! Always remember, some people are so broke…

All they have is money.