How Mannered Are Your Table Manners

The intriguing thing about table manners is that the rules only apply to a select group of people. I mean, how can you have table manners if you have no dinner table to begin? For those who eat and toss the dishes under their beds, this one’s (isn’t) for you.

Table manners are quite literally a lifesaver. Could save your career too if we’re keeping it a buck. Curbing the excesses of the widely publicized set of inaccurate rules, here’s a revised version you should strongly consider. Why you should take me seriously? I understand the science behind bowel movement and also, you are how you eat.

Talk excessively. The table is a good avenue to vent and air your views. It is also good to discuss matters arising.

Gottfried: Christine, are you ever going to finally get married?

Christine: (scowls) Why do you ask?

Gottfried: I’m kinda looking forward to having my room back, but you’re still single to stupor so…

The good thing though is that the parents are oblivious to the exchange because they’re both on the phone. Now your aunt is staring daggers at you. Bonding

Cough, sneeze and blow your nose liberally. Why use a napkin? What are the sleeves of your clothes useful for? Remember, a good sneeze is loud. Imagine sneezing and snot lands on the forehead of your host? That’s premium appreciation right there. If you have a runny nose and your eyes are burning, leaving the table for the bathroom is not advisable, wait it out!

Eat as much as you possibly can. Added bonuses for chewing loudly. How else will your host know you’re enjoying the food? A buffet is really an opportunity to see how much food you can balance on your plate. Losing your job because you have badly behaved during a lunchtime buffet at a company event is a really small price to pay. Priorities priorities!

Wear tight items of clothing. For an elated feeling that only comes when you loosen your belt and the food comes crashing down, tighten your belts! A police officer in the news was fighting for his life after he wolfed down a ton of food without freeing up his tummy. If only he buckled the belt tighter, who knows, maybe he’d have got his wish to see the white light at the end of the tunnel. Die doing what you love!

Get food stuck in your teeth. After dinner, you’ll most likely get bored quickly so the secret is to get as much food stuck in your teeth so you can be preoccupied with trying to remove it afterward. It’s good practice to open wide and have the person closest to you assess the situation. If a bone is stuck in your throat, it is imperative that you make a scene. Don’t die in silence.

At this point you’re an expert on table manners, believe me. And if you find yourself struggling with the 19 kinds of silverware available at a dinner table, there’s absolutely no shame in rolling up your sleeves and digging in with your fingers.

That’s home training.