Big Mouth

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I’ve lived the majority of my years with a big mouth. Yes literally and figuratively. I’m the guy to tell you that your fly is open from across the room. If you do get embarrassed, I want to let you know that it was entirely my intention.

I’m perpetually in one tight fix or the other. No real surprise there right? The good news is, the mouth that puts me in trouble also rescues me in like fashion. Even though sometimes, it’s too little too late.

Gottfried: I didn’t mean it like that…

Naomi: You called me fat!

Gottfried: My bad, what I mean is that you’re rough…round around the edges…

Naomi: That’s worse!

Gottfried: You’re fluffy? Cuddly? Chubby?

Naomi: I’m done with you!

Gottfried: Wait…You’re what the good book meant when it said: “to have and to hold…”

Gottfried: Shit…

You might have a big mouth, but don’t be mistaken, you’re no comedian. Believe me, I learned this the hard way. As I looked back at the audience booing me off the stage, I realized that people hate it when they’re the target for fart jokes.

Having a big mouth does have its perks. It means you can go through your entire life completely oblivious to shame and embarrassment. You can’t shame the shameless. The bar is literally on the floor, if anything, any attempt to shaming me will see me drag you right into the mud. With me!

It’s tragic on dates though. You end up rattling on about yourself without as much as giving her a few seconds to share her sad stories. To be fair, are women even funny? Put up a show. If she doesn’t laugh, offer to buy her food and watch her laugh at every single joke. I hear some ladies go on dates for the food, how true?

I’m always right. It’s like when I’m right I’m right, when I’m wrong, I could be right, so I’m still right cause I could have been wrong. Also, know this, that arguing with a big mouth can and will be exhausting. I will never concede defeat.

Israel: I will always beat you on FIFA, pick any team!

Gottfried: Okay, pick a two-star team, let me pick a five-star team.

Israel goes ahead to spank Gottfried 5-0. Where do I keep my face? Oh here’s an idea…

Israel: Didn’t I tell you! Did I not tell you!

Gottfried: Well, at least I didn’t carry over any courses this semester

Israel: You didn’t have to go there man…

Gottfried: You were gloating too much…

It’s not that I try to come off as mean, it just…happens. I like to think of it as tough love. But know this, when I love, I love unconditionally and will be very vocal about it. So if you’re not trying to get that kind of PDA…

Avoid me.

Β© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

184 comments

  1. There’s no way I’m ever playing FIFA with you!
    Count me out πŸšΆπŸΌβ€β™‚οΈπŸšΆπŸΌβ€β™‚οΈπŸšΆπŸΌβ€β™‚οΈ

    Liked by 1 person

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      1. I think we can… another professor called it the “dual aperture” approach… one eye to now, another to forever… all at once. That was a course in “Oriental” Philosophy (pol. incorrect term nowadays, I guess) πŸ’Ž

        Liked by 2 people

  3. There’s an old piece of Christian wisdom: “God helps those who helps themselves” and that includes watching what you say to others and how you say it. We had a friend back in the day who mentioned marriage on the first date and that also turned out to be the last. A group of our male friends took him out and gave him some advice. He didn’t talk about marriage on the first date, but he was known as a space-invader which didn’t always go down well in some Churches. He was banned from hugging and the poor guy didn’t know why. Anyway, he’s been married for over two years now and has two kids. She’s also out of the box, but I’m sure he must’ve learned something through our many training sessions over the years.
    Best wishes,
    Rowena

    Liked by 4 people

  4. πŸ˜€The badass writer himself!!! You’ve hurt a lot of people with your big mouth…….I love the truth part, but it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Nice Big mouth but that’s a blow below the belt saying at least i didn’t get any carryover last semesterπŸ˜…,i wud have hated you forever if i was Israel.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Cheiiya! Poor Israel. M sure after that moment he went straight and started reading his book. U didn’t even allow him boast small before u come fall hin hand completely😎

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I hate how happy you are about how annoying you are, and how impenetrable your hard guy facade is. You’re infuriating, and it’s more infuriating that you don’t care.

    Liked by 4 people

  8. You Sound so much like me🀣… thought I was the only one doing that to people🀣🀣..
    I second the fact that “when we love, we love unconditionally.”πŸ™ŒπŸΌ

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Big mouth really gets one into trouble. So you come up with subtle ways of slighting. β€œI’m not fat, I am just chubby”. Who cares? In life two things are involved. You’re not slim so πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ

    Mouth get sizes sha and I’d prefer not to speak about your size πŸ˜….

    Liked by 2 people

  10. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.. honestly you do have a big mouth. I think I have experienced it myself. But the fact that you are still alive despite how big your mouth isπŸ˜…. Just keep survivingπŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Your Big Mouth will not put u in trouble πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„ still what the you mean by ladies go on a date because of food. You just can’t shut your Big Mouth up πŸ’πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ’πŸ½β€β™€οΈ, and why will you waste my time without getting me food???

    Liked by 2 people

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