Jayne

Following the birth of the guinea pig, my folks were optimistic that the second batch will feature some improvements. They weren’t wrong, along came Jayne, as fair and round as hot cross buns. Irresistible

A smart mouth (No surprises there). Pearl didn’t exactly like eating much, eating was a chore. Management knew this, but guess who else knew? One day when Pearl wouldn’t stop harassing her, she came up with an elite threat to douse the tensions.

Jayne: I’ll tell mom to fix a big plate for you! You’ll suffer and finish it!

Pearl: (shudders) You wouldn’t dare!

Jayne once got upset with my dad and frowned for three weeks straight. Dearly beloved, how do you frown for three weeks straight, are you a sadist? Trust me, all it takes is one happy meal for me to crack, but Jayne managed to stay in character. Elite dedication.

Facial expressions for days. If she eyed the devil, he’d feel sorry too. No seriously, if looks could kill, she’ll be catching bodies. You ever received a look that made you question your humanity. Like, surely only pigs get looked at like this. Surely. In her spare time, she also taught snakes how to hiss.

Highly disciplined. She had a low tolerance for my shenanigans. If I wasn’t greeted with a hot slap for misbehaving, the alternative was to get pinched. You have ever been pinched so hard, you stop having feeling in that arm? She must have been secretly having tai chi lessons because damn.

As hard as nine-inch nails. She rarely displayed any real emotions but I’m positive she’s run off to cry in secret sometimes. True to her strengths, she could bath in boiling hot water. The fog after she left the bathroom could last several days. I once tried to bath with her leftovers and got burnt.

As orderly as the word orderliness. If she made her bed, you dare not sit on it. Even if you did dare, your only saving grace will be to leave it exactly how she made it. The problem is, how do you resist the urge of lying down on a bed that is literally calling out your name?

“Gottfried, lie on me! How smooth I am!”

“I rebuke you!”

When she starts grilling chicken, I’m reminded it’s all love on this side. Blessed with emotional intelligence, she’s excellent at giving sound advice. Often times accused like myself of being proud, I assure you that deep down, she’s the sweetest.

From her days as a choreographer to winning a literary prize as well as being an expert in languages, there’s no limit to her prowess. Oh, and when she opens her mouth to sing, Angels literally fold their wings and watch. So to the sound of the drum roll, roll out the carpets and pay obeisance to the one, the only…

Ima mi

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

226 thoughts on “Jayne

  1. Hang on scratch that last comment and let me start again without sounding like I’m having a seizure.

    My daughter’s boyfriend has a long haired guinea pig that looks like a fucking hairpiece running around on the floor. I’ve never seen a more ridiculous creature – the dogs won’t even take it on.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Laptop and keyboard is literally dying as I type so it’s either missed letters or extras like this llrtghgigular

        Dog paws, spilled beers and coffees plus many incidents and accidents where I’ve dropped it on the floor, thrown or kicked it in a temper. It’s had a hard life but nearing the end now.

        HGGLOrsdkjaetuweeeeeeeeeee titties

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Gottfried , not everything has to have a certain meaning. Why would I say that so bluntly , huh? Use your head🙄

        Then again , that’s the meaning the world knows. My bad. Honestly tho I use that word all the time with my friends🙃
        Thot sounds way more interesting than saying thought …just like sweg is better than saying swag😅

        My apologies tho🙏🤷
        Should’ve told you first🙇

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I channeled Jayne once… I gave my son a heaping helping of peas and proceeded to stand over him just to ensure he ate every last one. He would take a bite, yell “I have to pea!” Run to the trash and spit them out. 😂
    I have never rebuked my bed but it did rebuke me once for making it.
    “I rebuke you! I swear if you make me I will mess it all up later anyway— your attempts are futile!”
    From then on I just left it be…

    Liked by 1 person

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