Big Mouth

~ Gottfried

I’ve lived the majority of my years with a big mouth. Yes literally and figuratively. I’m the guy to tell you that your fly is open from across the room. If you do get embarrassed, I want to let you know that it was entirely my intention.

I’m perpetually in one tight fix or the other. No real surprise there right? The good news is, the mouth that puts me in trouble also rescues me in like fashion. Even though sometimes, it’s too little too late.

Gottfried: I didn’t mean it like that…

Naomi: You called me fat!

Gottfried: My bad, what I mean is that you’re rough…round around the edges…

Naomi: That’s worse!

Gottfried: You’re fluffy? Cuddly? Chubby?

Naomi: I’m done with you!

Gottfried: Wait…You’re what the good book meant when it said: “to have and to hold…”

Gottfried: Shit…

You might have a big mouth, but don’t be mistaken, you’re no comedian. Believe me, I learned this the hard way. As I looked back at the audience booing me off the stage, I realized that people hate it when they’re the target for fart jokes.

Having a big mouth does have its perks. It means you can go through your entire life completely oblivious to shame and embarrassment. You can’t shame the shameless. The bar is literally on the floor, if anything, any attempt to shaming me will see me drag you right into the mud. With me!

It’s tragic on dates though. You end up rattling on about yourself without as much as giving her a few seconds to share her sad stories. To be fair, are women even funny? Put up a show. If she doesn’t laugh, offer to buy her food and watch her laugh at every single joke. I hear some ladies go on dates for the food, how true?

I’m always right. It’s like when I’m right I’m right, when I’m wrong, I could be right, so I’m still right cause I could have been wrong. Also, know this, that arguing with a big mouth can and will be exhausting. I will never concede defeat.

Israel: I will always beat you on FIFA, pick any team!

Gottfried: Okay, pick a two-star team, let me pick a five-star team.

Israel goes ahead to spank Gottfried 5-0. Where do I keep my face? Oh here’s an idea…

Israel: Didn’t I tell you! Did I not tell you!

Gottfried: Well, at least I didn’t carry over any courses this semester

Israel: You didn’t have to go there man…

Gottfried: You were gloating too much…

It’s not that I try to come off as mean, it just…happens. I like to think of it as tough love. But know this, when I love, I love unconditionally and will be very vocal about it. So if you’re not trying to get that kind of PDA…

Avoid me.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

298 thoughts on “Big Mouth”

  1. I have a cousin who came to live with us for a year. I was in primary school; this cousin attending high school. At the time we were living in a very tight knit community that everybody knows everybody else. This cousin was offending a classmate one day, provoking the neighbor next, and forcing his female teacher into tears the day after the next, and people would come knocking on our door to report to my mom his wayward behavior. We had to bow and apologize profusely. Or we would go out to visit somebody he wounded to say we were sorry. Before he came, I was known as a nice girl; but after he came, I was known as this little villain’s cousin. At first I was so embarrassed that I wanted to dig a hole and stayed down there until the world is destroyed by global warming or other man made disasters. After a while, it was not so bad. I didn’t realize that I could survive the embarrassment but I did. And my cousin grew out of it several years later. It’s such a big relief to all of us that he grew into a normal person after the difficult teenage years.

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    1. Teenage years are the toughest, people need to realize that the kids need all the help they can get to get out of it unscathed. Credit to your mom and the rest of you for pulling him through.

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  6. I’m always right. It’s like when I’m right I’m right, when I’m wrong, I could be right, so I’m still right cause I could have been wrong.
    This stole the limelight for me
    Praise 🙌

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  7. I grew up being the nice and quiet girl, often confused as shy. It was more so I am very awkward when it comes to communicating stuff and my needs. That also confused me to be a bitch at times. Now I am the awkward loud mouth who means what they say and don’t care for the reproductions because staying silent was even worse and people would take advantage of me. It is just funny when I say things at the wrong time or in the wrong tone. Like I totally meant to be brutally honest with you, but like not with this rude tone and you can minus the derogatory terms.

    I have embarrassed people by calling them out on their shit with the intention of embarrassing them. We had this coworker who recently quit who was extremely egotistical (for a noob he was only hired for like three months) and he was really rude to people who may not work as fast or as great as the rest of the team. He called them out like he had worked this job for years. I had many encounters with him and calling him out on his ruthless attitude. His excuse was he was on the autism spectrum in which I replied with so am I, that is not an excuse to be a dick unless of course it was granted, but none of our coworkers is being a douche to you so kindly change your attitude. That I use to be like him and come across wrong, it just takes a lot of practice to socialize in the real world and it is about time he needs to learn how to do so being in his late 20’s and all. Anyways…the week before he quit, he always had his butt crack out because apparently he didn’t know what a belt was. He was picking on one of our new co workers so a few mins later I yelled loud enough everyone could hear me including customers as we just opened, ‘HEY JEREMY HAVE YOU HEARD OF A BELT BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR BUTT CRACK’ his face was so red. I made him feel just like he made the other co worker feel. And I was proud of it. He had pissed me off enough to stoop to such levels. I didn’t feel bad at all. I think the entire team was happy to see him quit. 🙂

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  8. I also would call him Germy too sometimes, because he never took a shower or wore deodorant. He wasn’t homeless and worked 40 hours a week, but didn’t have the decency for at least others to buy a stick of deodorant? He once also asked me where something was in the store and I told him it was in aisle 5 in HBC, which is the soap and deodorant aisle. Am I too mean? I rode that kid so hard, but his cocky and jerk attitude asked for it. I only picked on him after trying to get along with him and help improve his crap social skills so…. xD

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      1. Here’s the thing, I can still be that nice innocent and timid girl, but if you are a jerk or cross the line it brings out the worse in me because I spent too many years in silence and having my feelings put last. I can handle some kid’s attitude, even by walking away but this kid picked on coworkers that were timid and reminded me of that quiet kid I was so it just enraged me. xD It takes a special someone to reach my limit too so if you manage to they are a certified douche. Which is why when it happens I don’t feel bad because I gave it or them plenty of chances not to reach my limit.

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  9. Whoa… Reading the comments are just as interesting as your piece…. You certainly hit a nerve or two or three… Looks like you are a celebrity but also well known in your local community.

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