The Mirage Of Birthdays

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Birthdays shouldn’t be celebrated! If anything, birthdays are a rude awakening to the fact that you’re inching ever so closer to death. I also think all this talk about age is foolish. Every time I’m one year older, everyone else is too. But folks choose to celebrate and I think maybe there’s something to celebrate if you’re wealthy (not rich). If you’re broke, exactly what are you celebrating? An anniversary of poverty?

The wishes. Every year I get wished a happy birthday, my brain does that thing where it decides to respond “same to you”. Wishes in truth aren’t such a bad thing, except you’re wishing me triplets. Did you even ask if I wanted kids? But of course, birthday wishes are usually accompanied by a lot of ego-stroking, which I enjoy by the way. But telling me how I’ve been such a great friend to you is borderline Satanism. We haven’t even been in touch since my last birthday so how did you work that out? The Lies!

The gifts. The annoying thing about birthdays is that you never get the gifts you want. After hinting and hinting all year round, people have the nerve to send you a card that says, “I celebrate you”. What are you celebrating? Can’t you take a hint? An already bad situation gets worse when they go out of their way to get you something ‘thoughtful’. Who asked you to be thoughtful?


Social media. Social media creates an unhealthy buzz. Suddenly everyone seems to give a hoot about you, in what I like to call a bandwagon effect. One group will decide that it’s their job to post embarrassing photos of you, as a show of love? No honey, my soul mate might be on your contact list, please fix-up. You unblocked me to send me wishes, why? You posted a paragraph of events that never happened, for clout? No dear, you’re not my fave

The Turn-up. A party without cake is just a meeting. Here’s a pro tip, that your friend that is most excited about the idea of a birthday party is more often than not coming empty-handed. If you’re going to a birthday party, the least you could do is show up with a bottle of wine. Ideally, you should come with a tray of chicken wings but I’d manage the wine. How can you come empty-handed? No gifts, no wine, just you and your pot belly. Freeloader

The calls. If you’re going to call on a birthday, the least you can do is sing the birthday song. Unless of course, you can’t pitch (yes I’m talking to you), in which case you should channel that energy into making wishes and prayers. And remember, long life is pointless if there’s no long prosperity. Don’t ask the celebrant how old they’re turning unless your follow up question is to ask their hand in marriage. Which is very rarely the case!

Family. How your family reacts to your birthday is solely decided by you. If you make it a big deal, they’ll tow your line. Left to them, they’d love to have the smallest celebration possible, especially if it isn’t a landmark birthday.

This one time I decided not to make a fuss about my birthday and it backfired handsomely.


After fuming throughout the entire day, I got to the dinner table and my brother is pacing around the living room like a man in the ER. He goes…


I’m livid! The nerve of these guys to forget! To add insult to injury, mom looks across to where I’m seated and goes, “My lovely boy, oya take an extra piece of meat. You deserve it!” Worst Birthday EVER!

On your birthday, know this! You will never be as young again as you are on the day, so try to have fun. But be careful, because you have never been that old before. And if you ever feel bad on your birthday, you can find solace in the fact that at least you’re not as old as you will be next year. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind…

it don’t matter.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.


  1. Nice one. Hitting the nail on the head. Birthdays are just like normal days and yet some people will not talk to you if you forget me that I even forget my own birthday.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Birthdays are annoying; I don’t like getting older, I don’t like getting phone calls, and I don’t like the awkwardness of receiving gifts. If a beautiful woman were to give me a birthday kiss, or at least a bottle of whiskey, I might like birthdays more.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You were using style to beg for PS5, boldly approach the madam now, e no dey pain 🤣…

    You know you’re right in that you do not attend a birthday party empty-handed, that’s why some of us refused to accept birthday party invitations when we know we’re broke – it’s called self-respect. 🤭

    Even though, it’s 4days after your birthday, I wish you still, a very happy birthday with next year promising to meet you and your friends in wealth (so they can present you with the upgraded PS). 😍❣️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😂 😂 😂
      I remember how I shut off my social media last year on my birthday… You didn’t believe till a day later… I hate birthdays… It was fun and easier to handle as little kids… And over time, people’s wishes for you appear so passive and less genuine… Only a few really care genuinely about you on your birthday and that’s the hurtful truth.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Lol
    Birthdays are days when most people pretend to know and love you,making you feel like a celebrity 😂.
    You’d receive like 53 calls and 86 messages but on a normal day the best you’d get is like 2 and one out of the two may be from family.
    Life goes on.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh. How difficult it is to feel comfortable on your birthday. Always everything that happens is not what you expect. There are hardly any recipes for holding a birthday, except for the recipe – not to notice this day as a special day. this is the same day of your life! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes. But nothing else can be invented.
        Recently, I take a vacation and go on a trip with loved ones. There you can not listen to the regular congratulations of colleagues, do not pretend to be very pleased and joyful, do not pretend to be a cutie, but several times quarrel, if you want, at your pleasure with loved ones and spend the day like a normal day on a trip, having dinner in the restaurant in the evening.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I absolutely subscribe to this. I’m tired of my colleagues at work pestering me to get a birthday cake even when I don’t feel for cake.

        Birthdays are best spent with loved ones who understand that there’s nothing you love more than peace and quiet. 😁❤

        Liked by 2 people

  6. So am I right to assume it’s your happy birthday and what you’re hinting at is a big of a “surprise” get together nothing special just a few friends and molested finger foods and sammiches??


    Liked by 1 person

  7. I feel a lot like you on this but lately I’ve been coming around to the other side– we are unique… one of a kind for all eternity… so we might as well celebrate our entrance on this dingy planet! :) Err beautiful planet! :)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve been quite lucky with birthday gifts,
    my friends tend to give me a gift that I never thought I needed , probably because my expectations are never high. A simple birthday card does it for me.

    I was the experiment child, so birthday celebration wasn’t really a big deal growing up. A usual birthday routine will be staying indoors and taking calls, except for the few times i’ve been dragged out for dinner surprises.

    Nice write up gottfried and happy birthday😊

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I felt like most of the lines were directed at me but in this case I don’t care . I ain’t changing nothing. Happy birthday all the same😅you’ve been such a great friend, for all the calls and messages and traveling all the way Lagos to Borno to check on me. I’m grateful. Live long.
    Coman beat me

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I happen to be among those friends who post embarrassing photos during my friend’s birthday and trust me, they always come back for me. But will I ever stop?? Nope!!

    Happy Birthday, Gottfried. Keep up the good work❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. The birthday boy, it’s obvious u really wanted PS 5 as ur gift, sorry man! Buh take solace in the fact that PS 6 would be available on ur next, then maybe ur ‘gal’ could finally listen and get u one🙌

    Liked by 1 person

  12. We never get the gifts we want on birthdays so heartbreaking😒
    Then I wonder why people decide to post ugly pictures on birthdays 😂😂😂 what’s your aim sis

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Mommy didn’t have any reason to give you an extra meat but she did. You know what that is? The best thing any human have done since after Jesus Christ died for humanity. Be grateful Bukus

    Liked by 1 person

  14. The annoying thing about my birthday is the fact that I never get the extra effort I put into someone else’s birthday. It’s either something comes up during that time or something. Like for example, I save up to get maybe a boyfriend a gift for theirs and then before mine we break up or something 🤣.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I honestly do not totally agree with all the facts you’ve put down. Although your perspective to birthdays is quite different from mine so I disagree with most of all your facts I only agree on the point that you don’t go empty handed to a birthday party.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I actually like my birthday, not so much the escalating numbers but the fact that it’s a celebration during my favourite month of the year (October), and then I get another celebration in the form of Hallowe’en. So October is party month for me! However, I can’t abide the Happy Birthday song, or rather, having it sung at me. What am I supposed to do with my face whilst others are singing it?

    One of my students summed it up brilliantly, rather like you did: “Miss, you realise that birthdays are basically a countdown to your death?”

    Liked by 1 person

  17. My birthday is coming up and I know there’s no gift presented that’ll meet my likes… I lock up totally… “Evidence, what do you want for your birthday?” “Dad I’ve got the course to attend. It cost 60k.”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. 😂😂 it’s not scam….
        Unlike scam, this is just move them of gifts they don’t want to get… while I go for the courses and comfort myself that it’s a birthday gift.

        Liked by 2 people

  18. I usually feel nervous when my birthday is close, I come on SM and pretend that all is well but deep down I feel underachieved. Lately, I try not to beat myself up, as long as I keep grinding. People lie a lot on birthdays, I mean we haven’t said as much as hellos and you’re writing a 500 word of how lovely I am, same for burials too. Anyway, it’s good for the sychophancy business.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Coming right after your birthday.
    Family are the worst, I don’t even expect them to remember.
    How old are you though? Your missing rib might be in the replies 😅

    Liked by 3 people

  20. Birthdays don’t need to involve gifts. It’s just nice to have a friend remind you how much they care. It’s good to feel special for one day in the year. Every birthday we get is a gift in itself. I’d rather have another birthday than never have another one.

    Liked by 3 people

  21. Hmmn, whenever my birthday is approaching, I’m always nervous, I think that’s the word, I don’t even know the word to use…

    The ugly photos though, they should not pursue my soulmate ooo

    Liked by 3 people

  22. Thanks for this enjoyable post. Birthdays are frightening. My daughter that I gave birth to when I was only 19 is now 50 years old which means I will be 70 next birthday…..I am not sure whether to laugh 😂 or cry 😥

    Liked by 4 people

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