The Mirage Of Birthdays

January 20, 2020August 19, 2020 ~ Gottfried

Birthdays shouldn’t be celebrated! If anything, birthdays are a rude awakening to the fact that you’re inching ever so closer to death. I also think all this talk about age is foolish. Every time I’m one year older, everyone else is too. But folks choose to celebrate and I think maybe there’s something to celebrate if you’re wealthy (not rich). If you’re broke, exactly what are you celebrating? An anniversary of poverty?

The wishes. Every year I get wished a happy birthday, my brain does that thing where it decides to respond “same to you”. Wishes in truth aren’t such a bad thing, except you’re wishing me triplets. Did you even ask if I wanted kids? But of course, birthday wishes are usually accompanied by a lot of ego-stroking, which I enjoy by the way. But telling me how I’ve been such a great friend to you is borderline Satanism. We haven’t even been in touch since my last birthday so how did you work that out? The Lies!

The gifts. The annoying thing about birthdays is that you never get the gifts you want. After hinting and hinting all year round, people have the nerve to send you a card that says, “I celebrate you”. What are you celebrating? Can’t you take a hint? An already bad situation gets worse when they go out of their way to get you something ‘thoughtful’. Who asked you to be thoughtful?

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Social media. Social media creates an unhealthy buzz. Suddenly everyone seems to give a hoot about you, in what I like to call a bandwagon effect. One group will decide that it’s their job to post embarrassing photos of you, as a show of love? No honey, my soul mate might be on your contact list, please fix-up. You unblocked me to send me wishes, why? You posted a paragraph of events that never happened, for clout? No dear, you’re not my fave

The Turn-up. A party without cake is just a meeting. Here’s a pro tip, that your friend that is most excited about the idea of a birthday party is more often than not coming empty-handed. If you’re going to a birthday party, the least you could do is show up with a bottle of wine. Ideally, you should come with a tray of chicken wings but I’d manage the wine. How can you come empty-handed? No gifts, no wine, just you and your pot belly. Freeloader

The calls. If you’re going to call on a birthday, the least you can do is sing the birthday song. Unless of course, you can’t pitch (yes I’m talking to you), in which case you should channel that energy into making wishes and prayers. And remember, long life is pointless if there’s no long prosperity. Don’t ask the celebrant how old they’re turning unless your follow up question is to ask their hand in marriage. Which is very rarely the case!

Family. How your family reacts to your birthday is solely decided by you. If you make it a big deal, they’ll tow your line. Left to them, they’d love to have the smallest celebration possible, especially if it isn’t a landmark birthday.

This one time I decided not to make a fuss about my birthday and it backfired handsomely.

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After fuming throughout the entire day, I got to the dinner table and my brother is pacing around the living room like a man in the ER. He goes…

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I’m livid! The nerve of these guys to forget! To add insult to injury, mom looks across to where I’m seated and goes, “My lovely boy, oya take an extra piece of meat. You deserve it!” Worst Birthday EVER!

On your birthday, know this! You will never be as young again as you are on the day, so try to have fun. But be careful, because you have never been that old before. And if you ever feel bad on your birthday, you can find solace in the fact that at least you’re not as old as you will be next year. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind…

it don’t matter.