I Hate

Purists will come at me arguing that ‘hate’ is such a strong word, you should use something mild like ‘dislike‘. First of all, nobody asked you! Get a grip! Haha, I’m just joking. Or am I? Anyways, here are a few things I absolutely ‘hate’.

I hate smart mouth kids. You know those kids that their parents have told to say whatever they want, whenever they want? I was scolding this kid and I told him that as a result of his actions, I wasn’t going to buy him biscuits anymore! This little cracker goes…

“It’s okay uncle, I know you didn’t have money to buy them anyway”

The real reason I was livid is that he was absolutely right.

I hate bike/cab drivers that talk too much on a trip. I understand you barely have any other avenues to communicate, but can you please be quiet for a second, please? I’m trying to think! Besides, what do you need my mother’s maiden name for?

I hate getting asked about my job/career. Between us, I know you’re not asking so you’d help. It’s all about making small talk. Matter of fact, kindly send me your email address so I can forward my CV/ResumΓ© for your perusal. Why are you running? Why are you running?

I hate that I was born in West Africa. Matter of fact, was my birth even necessary? I could have done without witnessing the growth and germination of the seeds of greed and corruption. You would agree with me that the root cause of the coronavirus is indeed corruption, no?

I hate it when you tell someone that you don’t drink/smoke and they try to persuade you otherwise. No, it wasn’t a half-brained decision, I’ve seen your dad, he’s an alcoholic! They usually go, yeah you’re no fun. And I hit them with, ‘that’s exactly what I advertised’. Rigid, unmoving and very boring.

I hate that I have to do laundry. It’s up there as the most annoying chore ever! What’s worse is that nobody else knows how much effort you put into getting them clean or even bother to applaud your efforts. After all, they’re ‘your’ clothes! Next time you see me, you know what to do.

I hate weight. Whether it’s on the gym rack, on humans, or in a bag atop someone’s head. The other day I tried to move a cylinder, after a few paces I felt a tug on my groin. I said to myself, this is one of those things we’re not going to be doing. I wouldn’t be arsed about lifting weights, after all, my weight does not determine my worth.

I hate people who yawn with their mouths open. Not only is it unsanitary, but you put us in the full glare of your brown teeth and unhealthy gums. The less said about your breath, the better. Here, have a mint. I just happened to have it in my pocket.

I hate people that don’t adhere to basic dress codes. What was the rationale behind you wearing a striped suit with a striped shirt and a striped tie? Are you trying to give me a heart attack? What’s your role in the movie? PS, some materials are to be reserved for curtains and bedsheets.

I hate visitors that come to the house and try to be friendly. I know deep down that they’re only here to eat. You can drop the act, Aunty Charity, your can of malt and Jollof rice are on the way. Glutton, continue pretending to watch the Television.

I hate that I support an unfortunate football club. What’s more annoying is that unlike clothes, you can’t just up and change the club you support. The only solution is to look for an alternate sport to compete for my attention. It’s been a trying time!

I hate getting asked when I’m going to get married. I already made my order and all things being equal, in the ‘very-too-distant-future’, I should get my delivery. If you’re not trying to go half on the shipping, I absolutely don’t want to hear it. Let’s be guided!

I hate that you’re at the end of the post and you still haven’t let out a chuckle or at least smiled a little. I’m not responsible for your problems, please! Finally, I hate that this post has to end rather prematurely, I was just getting warmed up! But know this, if hate can be taught…

so can love

Β© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

202 thoughts on “I Hate

  1. I hate that people think they know my age just by my stature.
    All those “you didn’t go to school today?” comments. I hate them!!
    Uncle, I’m not in secondary school. I’m in my final year!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. La vida es demasiado corta para irritarse por algunas cosas, dice un dicho espaΓ±ol que “si no puedes vencer al enemigo, alΓ­ate con Γ©l” asΓ­ que intentemos encontrar alguna satisfacciΓ³n incluso en lo que odiamos…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Gottfried, you always find a way to split my gut open with laughter. Oops, I didn’t mean to be quite so graphic with my abdominal region. Have you ever seen a man wearing plaid pants, plaid shirt, and plaid jacket? Hmm . . . I hope not.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. the driver’s stuff, I think it’s to keep them awake, at the end, my mind tells me we’ll rather have them talking to us to them sleeping whilst driving, the but is that they don’t know when to shut up!

    I see why you specialise in Tees πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚.

    Well, I hate my work being unappreciated, makes me sometimes feel less of my capabilities, I need thumbs up.

    I hate losing loved ones too, there’s a part of me it rips.
    I hate what I ‘eight’. 🀭

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hate when I’m being asked when will I get married.

    That shit sucks. Lemme leave my life. What if I decide to be a Seminarian and end up being a Catholic Priest. It’s my faith and not anyone’s businessπŸ˜’πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸƒπŸƒπŸƒπŸƒ

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Indeed you hate washing. Come to think of it ,that which you hate became an avenue putting some coins in amu mu’s pocket. Nice ‘hate’.
    Good piece of work. Syrup for High BP.

    Liked by 1 person

          1. Last one then I’m going for real

            Insurance loss adjuster – β€œOK so email me the make and model of whatever new washing machine you want and we’ll get that sorted”

            Me β€œYES”

            Liked by 1 person

  7. Brilliant dude! One of the euphemistic phrases popular here is “I’m not a fan of…” Not sure if that is just a TO thing or bigger. It’s like we MUST be happy so even phrasing things we “dislike” must always have a robotic positive spin.

    Real happiness comes from inside, not from robotic conformity.


    Liked by 1 person

  8. You don’t hate that you occasionally don’t have sense? Wow. I can’t even hide my shock.

    Well, I just hate that I am not as tall as I’d love to be and also that I wasn’t born into a billion dollars dynasty.

    Liked by 1 person

          1. Yes two time I went too Bali beautiful experience however the last flight I have being left with fear of flying . Something about a gut feeling , a plain that hat motor problems, a weirdo on board standing at the exit door all ingredients that made me didn’t set foot on a plain anymore .

            Gottfried isn’t that bad , it could be Friedhelm our Winniefried πŸ˜„πŸ˜‰

            Liked by 1 person

  9. Shopping list of hates, why not. I still think ‘hate’ is a strong word but I’ll get over it sometime soon. btw what football club do you support? I won’t say mine because we still need to win only 4 games and the pain of 30 years is finally over (yes I lived through that pain)!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha ha! Funny that. Only this morning I walked from my hotel (on a work trip), along the Salford Quay’s and caught site of your hideous stadium. Well it’s 19 this year and let’s hope we can equal your feat 2020/21.
        Yes you are being run to the ground but you’re PE teacher will still be in charge next term!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. From the chores, I hate dusting. :) And, indeed, when I was younger people used to ask me all the time how come I wasn’t married already. Ugh! Thank God I’m old enough now for people to refrain from asking such question. :)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. The Hate Police will be round to see you shortly. They will force you to make public statements of apology to all those people who were offended by your hate statements. Then in mitigation you will say that you have been under a lot of pressure lately and wouldn’t normally have said those things and that you didn’t know what came over and that it was most out of character (then break down and shed some tears for effect etc. etc. – you know the drill). In penance, you will circumambulate Lagos twice barefoot; once clock-wise and again anti-clockwise. You don’t have to apologize for the taxi driver one though coz I hate that shit too! Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, in my defence I let me emotions get the better of me.

      That being said, I want my lawyer! 😭

      No way am I going to trek the streets of Lagos without a new pair of Nike boots. 😴

      Taxi drivers really a a national disgraceπŸ˜‚

      Liked by 2 people

          1. Unfortunately he’s more of a spontaneous kind of guy. I just try to send him texts that I know will anger him. Then he shows up at my door and demands to speak to me. Haha. I’m usually out of town when I send those, though. Haha.

            Liked by 1 person

  12. I hate that I’m trying to listen to music with my headphone and one asshole is still tryna make a conversation…. Can’t u see I’m in an orgasm giving conversation already asshole!

    I really do love this piece by the way… It should have a part 2 #JustSaying

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it should be passed into legislation that a person with headphones on, should not be bothered. ☹

      A consequence of which would earn the offender a death penalty. And this is me being mild. πŸ’€

      I’ll consider a part 2 πŸ˜…

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I hate suspense…of any kind.
    I saw seeing this movie like that and the suspense had already hooked my head…man i forwarded it to the end, saw the ending, then continued from the beginning.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I have my headset on, and someone seated next to me on the bus is trying to make conversation in the midst of the heat…. I have to take one ear off, listen to him say, “can I know, you?”… Every response I give is a monosyllable after which my headset gets returned…. But baba won’t be deterred…. now he’s tapping me for my attention with sweaty fingers when we’re all avoiding Corona😭😭…. It doesn’t help that he’s not exactly easy on the eyes either, and His sweaty odour can kill a rat. This right here is the definition of ABSOLUTE HATE!

        Liked by 1 person

  14. I hate it when people ask β€œwhat’s next” or when a random person asks β€œwhere do you see yourself in the next five years” like I see myself where you’re not.

    But hey! Aunty Charity is really serious with the television but you’re distracting her.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. β€œwhere do you see yourself in the next five years” This question can hunt.

      Here’s a tip, if you get asked, just respond with, “we won’t be having this conversation in five years time” πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Well, we have a few ‘hates’ in common just that some are a little tweaked on my side.

    I hate smart mouth kids, as a matter of fact, I avoid them like a plague because they say just anything without fear and they know you can’t beat them🀨.

    Asides that I hate cab drivers gisting me especially when I want to be on my earplugs jamming to some good music, I hate when they take calls too. Don’t have me in your vehicle and be making some nonsense calls abeg. Safety first! This also applies to the bike men, I’ve been tempted severally to give a hot knock.

    Dear visitors, we know you came for the meal, why not merry and leave my personal business out of your mouth. Stop asking me how far with my job search, we both know you can’t help🀧.

    For those who get a hard time finding laugher after reading a funny post, you are the problem, not the post. Another thing that irks me are comments like “nice”, “good job”, “lol”… what in God’s name is this manner of feedback called🀨. I write a long note to feed your senses and a word is all I get? Common! You can do better😫

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for continuing from where I stopped.

      I Hate Part 2 by Your’s truly.

      “Another thing that irks me are comments like β€œnice”, β€œgood job”, β€œlol”… what in God’s name is this manner of feedback called” Very very annoying! 😫

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I hate forgetting my change with those Danfo conductors. I don’t think I’ve experienced any other thing that can be more painful. Nice write up between. Thanks for lifting my day.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I hate that the week starts from Monday, two days is simply not enough for a weekend relaxation. I’m totally with you on the unnecessary conversations with Uber or cab drivers, imagine asking me if we starve in Nigeria. I’m sure not tipping your ass.

    Simply put, I don’t like what I hate. Nice one!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I hate that I go to the office. Not forgetting the fact that I’d probably spent half my lifetime in traffic.
    Whatever happened to just simply doing the job from my pc at home, wearing my pyjamas and a cup of tea. Office space is just over rated and stressful.

    PS: Let’s not talk about the compulsory heels they make us wear. 😩

    Liked by 3 people

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