The Way To A Woman’s Heart

I’m starting to get to that age where I can’t jokingly promise marriage. Be messing around and ask her to marry me, next thing you know, she’s sewn a wedding gown in her head. Even going as far as picking our wedding colors and kids’ names.

Talking about ‘Gottfried honey, I think you’ll look good in a purple suit’. Yeah, you’re right, only if I was being cast as the new Joker. Then it hit me, the boy is now a man and interestingly, I might need to crack the code on how to warm my way into the heart of God’s most complex creation, woman.

So I asked a friend. Who knows, maybe she had the answer(s)? After all, she’s one of them.

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She had quite a bit to say. Started off mundane

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And on she went. It was starting to get ridiculous

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She still wasn’t finished. And I’m not the ‘picky’ type, she said.

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I suspect she thought the question was to describe Jesus Christ! I had to hand her some clay to get started. Now on to lesson number 1.

Care. They say that the only way to her heart is by showing her care. Now some of us don’t come with that built-in manual that enables us to show compassion so it’s almost like we’re at a permanent disadvantage. Besides, you could show a lot of care (by your own standards) and it’ll still not be appreciated. In her words, that’s your job, my friend. There are three things that must matter most to you, her, herself and hers!

Smooth-talk. Now, fellas, you gotta know that if you talk too much, that’s a red flag! Talking too much means there’s a possibility that your words are coated with lies. And that’s why every now and then you have to lick your lips, to lubricate the lies. You also have to pick your moments. Extra points if you have a deep voice. If your voice is high pitched, avoid talking altogether. Learn sign language!

On actual dates, it’s kinda different though!

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Here’s an idea. Let’s ask the date, shall we?

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The burning question…

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All you want is a little honesty. 

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The game is the game. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Now back to the lesson.

Listening. Sometimes all she wants is an empathetic ear. It’s not going to be easy, because she’s perpetually talking. There will also be days all you’ll be thinking about is how much jail time you’ll serve if you strangle her, but hang in there. Also, more importantly, do not ever proffer a solution, even if it’s glaringly obvious. She just wants you on her side. You and her against her co-workers.

Showering with gifts. Society has taught us that the only way you can show love is by buying her something expensive and/or thoughtful. Again, this is against the grain for the ‘women are not materialistic’ brigade. After spending a fortune on a gift and she goes, you can’t impress me with your gifts. What now? Take back your gift!

Looking and smelling nice. Now I know this might only take you so far but I like to imagine she’s a sucker for a sweet-scented perfume. One whiff of your cologne and she’ll be expressing her undying love for you. Smelling good means you always get a lot of hugs which frankly is a step in the right direction. Unless of course, you’re short, then none of these things really matter.

Violence. Saved the best for last. As bizarre as this sounds, her love language could be violence. She’d absolutely hate the idea of peace and quiet. So if you’re in love with this crackhead, gear up for DAILY arguments. She’ll create a problem out of nothing and sadly you just have to participate. Stuff like her dreaming that you left her and now you have to apologize in real life instead of calling her out on her bs.

If you’ve tried all of the above and you still can’t find a way to her heart, then I’ve got news for you. The reason you haven’t found the way is simple…

she has no heart

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

326 thoughts on “The Way To A Woman’s Heart

      1. Yes they will surely it is good to allow them speak I use to be there “searching” until I was done and when I was done I found what i seeked now al I am saying is agyer they tell you the qualities they seek ” let them tell you if they possess let us be merciful 60 percent of the characteristics they just mentioned.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. In an an age where people demand things from people they cannot be themsleves, things that cannot be controlled and what makes it worse their inability to change and compromise, compromise is an inevitable by “compromise ” I can qualify that if you want me to room for shifts, they are all fleeting someone can be strong today and be weal tomrrow what kind of strength?? I can possess a lot and the person with me can drain them out as we transsiton in time .. the question are you able to replicate so that the other person is not depleted. Life

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve already read it. And I love it (ofc😂) Besides , there’s nothing wrong with my mood. I was just………..well………..I was……….just………’saying’ *makes air quotes* 🤣

        Great post buddy!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. haha, ‘a Woman’ acts dumb as well.

        Hehell to the woman. I mean, cheers to all women like them. I’m a girl by the way sir so I will be excluded everyday. hahahahahahahahaha

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Woooops! Yehey!!! Literally sir, you liked it to have me back?!!! Haha. Just joking, Sir. I mean master banter!!!

        Excellent post as always, Sir. Though this was last February. Found it while I was searching for … Hehehe.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thanks Sir. At least no harsh words coming from you. From some place else, I often here them like, ‘Slow.’ Hehehe. NOt me of course because I try not to show it ‘live.’ Hehehe

        Liked by 1 person

      1. We could figure out something. Meanwhile, I could chop some of my hair, neatly package them and have them delivered so you can fix that patch of yours.
        But I’m sure you don’t like smart women.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha, I’m going to windowshop for one today. So I can send a lady back to purchase one for me.

        Self-depreciating humor is actually a mark of intelligence. I can smell a wise ass from miles away! 😄

        Liked by 2 people

      3. But I have a question.. Didn’t you in your recent post mention your mom doesn’t complain anymore about your long hair and beard?
        I’ll keep mine then.. haha.
        I’ll be considered unappreciative if I don’t thank you, now!!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I think if you try to draw a timeline from my posts, it might leave you a bit confused. Some of the events happened at least a decade ago 😄

        Don’t be stingy now, I was starting to like you 😒

        No, thank you!

        Liked by 2 people

      5. June 8,2020 was decades ago? Where am I?
        In the past? I probably need to see if Amazon can deliver a time-machine, I mean if they have any!!
        You can like me, or the idea of me. I’m just suggesting.
        No, I won’t be stingy. I can still lend you my hair, but only if you’re really balding for I like mine long.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Haha I’m saying that sometimes I write about things that happened a long time ago as if they happened on the day. Capiche? 😄😄

        Don’t worry, my ‘likeness’ of you won’t wane. 😄

        I’m going bald honey. I’m not just a laughing stock, I’m the whole stock 🥺😭😭

        Liked by 2 people

      7. You’ve been misleading me for quite some time now.. That’s certainly not done. But it’s alright.
        Is this why all those comic characters are bald in the pictures?
        If that’s the case, try shaving even the rest. Now who doesn’t like Vin Diesel?

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Haha, I’m sorry. I was trying to bring the stories to life. My comic characters are bald as an aesthetic, not to make a statement 😂

        I don’t like that he plays the same character in all his movies.

        Liked by 2 people

      9. I didn’t have to guess it because Nigeria was one of the countries displayed on my Stats since the morning and it gave 5 views. So practically it had to be you. I’m good at pretending I know no thing, atleast.

        Liked by 1 person

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