How To Be Sorry

Apologies are never genuine. You were well aware of what you were doing when you did it. So why apologize? Yeah, I said it. You’re apologizing only as a formality. And people try to play it off like they had no idea how it happened.

I did it without thinking

I don’t know what came over me

I usually feel, well, that’s a lie! Nothing came over you and not thinking was a course of action you willingly took. And that’s why we’re here. So if you’re going to apologize, you better make a darn good job of it. Don’t just say you’re sorry, be sorry. And no, it doesn’t mean do the ‘puppy face’.

Some people don’t know how to apologize. During an apology, you simply cannot have the LOUDER voice. Why are you complaining that the person you wronged wouldn’t let you finish? You’re in the wrong, be quiet! Allow them to drag you like a small generator. You 100% deserve it. Don’t bring up all the times they also wronged you and you forgave. Two wrongs don’t cancel out (ojoro cannot cancel this ojoro).

Women barely apologize. When they do, if you give them a hard time during the apology, they flip the script and make you look like the bad guy. For a long time, this has been their go-to format, but today is the day we uncover this age-long sham. If men did the moving in as opposed to the norm today. Guess whose belongings will be neatly packed and kept at the door at the slightest provocation? If you’re unlucky she’ll be throwing them one item at a time. A damn shame.

Let’s pause for a bit. What are the facts? You accused me of something I didn’t do. After a little bit of research, you realize you are wrong! Now I’m upset that you have no trust in me. Fine, I’ve heard your apology, why can’t I have a few days to think? In all of this, where did you secure your rights to get angry? Also, I say this in the calmest way possible, WHY ARE YOU CRYING? It’s all blackmail gents!

The best form of apology is changed behavior. You might as well send a PDF document of apologies in advance for the evil you’re about to do. If you keep accepting the half baked half-arsed apologies, you’re not just a clown, you’re the whole circus! Also, I wish for you the wisdom to realize that forgiveness has nothing to do with an apology.

Stop smiling. How are we supposed to take your apology seriously when your crack head was smiling the entire time? If you come to me to apologize, and you’re smiling like a broken clock, I will take it as an invitation to treat. If my fist accidentally makes contact with your face, please know it was only intended to turn that smile upside down.

Parents don’t apologize. They just start being awfully nice to you(for no reason). Why else would my dad offer me a drumstick? It’s not loving, you nearly killed me last night over some pieces of china. I ain’t forget. I will not be bought over by food, but this really tastes good yunno!

If my apology sounds too perfect, I didn’t mean any word of it. It’s like racists apologizing for being racist. No sweetie, you’re not sorry you called me the ‘N word’, your arse is sorry you got caught. Now they’re making you give up college. Why are you shedding crocodile tears all over Instagram? This was not Mark’s plan!

The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. Please, for the love of God, ‘I’m sorry you’re angry’ is NOT an apology. On the whole, apologies are great, but they don’t really change anything. Do you know what does? Action.

Run me a cheque for the damages.

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