Meeting His Parents

October 26, 2020November 7, 2020 ~ Gottfried

Lie. A lot. Between us, we know the real you, and it ain’t pretty. Tell lies that shock the devil himself. And whatever you do, do not be yourself. Remember that you and his parents don’t have to love each other. Tell one lie and run with it. So what you say you’re related to Obama, but you can’t really trace the link? Your grandparents met on a plantation, and that’s how you know Barrack.

Be confident. A good way to demonstrate this is to perform a wrestling contest with your future husband before his parents. With confidence, you have won before you have started. High heeled shoes are a sign of confidence that is sky-high. Wear a stiletto. They want to be sure that their son has found a lady that will provide the much needed emotional and physical security, especially in these troubled times.

Ask about their net worth. You’re not coming into the home to suffer. Google to confirm. If you don’t find them on Wiki, it kind of gives you an idea of what you are up against. If his dad is richer, you have a new agenda. Whatever you do, be sure you do not play by their rules. Nothing gives parents more joy than a rule breaker. Also, make sure that they know you’re high maintenance. Lock yourself in the bathroom and emerge at least two to three hours later. Refuse to participate in the cooking, it would ruin your hair and makeup.

Be a know-it-all. Comment on his mom’s cooking and re-affirm that you can do a lot better. Start answering questions for him, and control the conversation. When they try to tell a funny story about him as a little boy, make sure you interrupt and shut it down. It is important to act in a way that suggests you know more about your man than they do. Matter of fact, give the parents your account of their own marriage. Cuss them out if they dare interrupt you to point out the clear and obvious inaccuracies in your account. The nerve of the oldies!

Get all touchy-feely. Parents love to see a lot of PDA. Be a girlfriend who is really affectionate in front of everyone. Keep coming up behind him and grabbing him or kissing his cheeks. Contrary to public opinion, it doesn’t make them uncomfortable in the slightest. They understand how it is to be young and in love, and seriously, this is the appropriate time and place. Doing it in front of his parents reaffirms your commitment.

Bring your problems with you. Sharing is caring. If you’re angry and irritated with him, make sure you show it. Extra points for sulking in the corner and texting on your phone, refusing to participate in the conversation. Go as far as outwardly ignore him in front of everyone during dinner! Roll your eyes and stare at your plate. It shows there’s a lot of unresolved sexual tension. Exciting!

Meeting his parents is an exciting step, but it’s also frightening. Giving his parents the respect they deserve, and giving them the opportunity to get to know the real you will stand you in good stead. Boring! If you don’t hit it off right away, don’t worry. Relationships with in-laws are destined to die a slow natural death. When he is not around, even if it’s for a bathroom break, avoid speaking and maintaining eye contact with his family members.

Above all, make sure you overstay your welcome. Make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that you’re here to stay. A hostile takeover. The two of you have to cut all ties with his parents if they end up disliking you for some reason. All you did was get drunk, barely reason enough for them to kick up a fuss. If he stands up for you, instead of them, you can tell he’s obviously deranged, and you two belong together. There you go! No, don’t thank me.

You’re welcome