Why Women Live Longer

~ Gottfried

Everywhere in the world women live longer than men. Historically, men started smoking earlier and heavier than women. As a matter of knowledge, any effect of smoking on life expectancy shows in males first. Now, why did man ever feel the need to smoke a cigarette? What, or more appropriately, who was stressing him out that much? Take a wild guess. Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bills does.

Healthy feeding habits. Cooking is a survival instinct and some brothers just haven’t got a hang of it. So you don’t like your own cooking. As a consequence of this, on some days you have oxygen and silence for dinner. The lady on the other end of the spectrum with a bowl of vegetables will surely outlive you. It’s not far fetched. Of course, this is bar a few psychos who wake up at 2 am to eat starch and cancel out the good work.

Spending. Every time I spend money, I lose a little blood. We’ve been paying for dates for so long, this shit needs to stop. You pay for her transport to and fro too! Daylight robbery! Chasing women is actually a ridiculous sport. I absolutely do not recommend it. It ends in sorrow and anguish. If you could see the splurge of cash these ladies have in their bank accounts, you will think twice before parting with your hard-earned money. The money they always need urgently.

Daring. You see with men, they always think, “Oh here’s a stupid idea, how can we make it a lot more stupid?”. Because frankly there’s no explanation as to why you’re jumping through a roof on a broom hoping to land safely in the artificial pool you created. Most times, the stupid doesn’t come from one source, it’s the mates egging you on that should ultimately be blamed. The most daring thing women ever do is block you across all social platforms.

Crying. Women cry. A lot. I mean this is the most obvious of the lot. Women will always find a reason to cry. Happy? Cry. Excited? Cry. Sad? Cry. The one that pisses me off is ladies that cry at proposals! Why are you crying? If you don’t dry those eyes and go collect that ring! What’s wrong with you for God’s sake? Did dust particles find their way into your eyes? Ladies, please fix-up. If he proposes to you and it comes as a surprise, I can only assume that you’re most likely blind, or very slow, or both.

Pain. Women have unlocked hidden thresholds to pain. They go through labor and childbirth. It’s almost like they’ve already tasted death. And as a reward, they get to stay at home to take care of the kids. And some women have the nerve to say that being a mom is the most difficult job in the world. To that I say, any job you can do in your pajamas is not a real job. All they do at home is watch their favorite TV shows and send the kids to bed early on some trumped-up charges.

Rocket science. Men are biologically and sociologically at a disadvantage from the time they’re conceived to the time they die. It’s also no secret that women take better care of their health. Men often deny illness.  They minimize symptoms because they don’t want to go to a doctor and find out something is wrong. You suspect you’ve got AIDS, it’s time to come to terms with it. You might be lucky, it could just be good old syphilis.

Ultimately, the reason women live longer is that they stress the men to death. Complaining nonstop about being stressed themselves. As soon as a woman comes into your life, you immediately start losing hair. Know what else causes hair loss? Cancer, that’s what. I’ve never seen or heard of a man that got his edges back from a new relationship. Matter of fact, you’re lucky if all you lose is hair. And those men who are lucky to escape the stress of a woman…

still die of natural causes

© Gottfried. All rights reserved

488 thoughts on “Why Women Live Longer”

  4. “The most daring thing women ever do is block you across all social platforms” 😅 you’re damn right!

    My male friends and I once tried to outrun a Rottweiler. It is the audacity for me. Wahala for who dey back, but it’s a story for another day.
    I can recount a series of extreme things I have done.

    On the flip side, you have just explained why I have a receding hairline.

    Liked by 5 people

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      1. We we having fun to say the least 😅. One reason why women live longer.

        It’s sad because when you finally relive yourself of the stress, you cannot salvage the hairline 😢

        Liked by 2 people

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  6. “As a consequence of this, on some days you have oxygen and silence for dinner.”

    This literally knocked me out with the actual relativity.

    Great piece.

    Liked by 6 people

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  7. OMG!! This is fabulous..you are right on the point of getting blind..and dhopping doesnt cahse heart attackz ..paying the bill does…i m literally laughing so hard..i like ur sense of humour

    Liked by 5 people

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  8. While I am laughing too much reading your post as always 😅but being a mom is way way way more than just sitting peacefully watching our favorite TV shows, of you think so, kids don’t even allow that 🙄

    Liked by 5 people

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