Happily Married

A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short. If you find yourself in endless conversations with your partner that never quite end, you did get it right. Unless she’s deaf and you can’t be too arsed to learn sign language. The happiest marriage I can picture would be a union of a deaf man to a blind woman. They’ll live in perfect harmony. They say love is blind, and marriage is an institution. So what does that mean? There must be something in the water I’m drinking because all this wisdom is going to make me crazy.

Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gets her master’s degree. As a man in a relationship, you can be right, or you can be happy. Choose wisely. Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it. Marriage isn’t for those in love. Love is basically temporal insanity cured by marriage. A marriage is like a house. When a light bulb goes off, you don’t go find a new house, you fix the light bulb. Even if it takes six months.

A happy marriage makes you murderous. You’re not happily married if you don’t wake up in the middle of the night and contemplate suffocating her with a pillow. Also in a funny way, if you have been happily married, there are no unresolved areas, nothing to prove to yourself after the other dies. Stop saying marriage is just a piece of paper. So is money, but you get up every day to work hard for it. So work hard for your relationship and marriage. Work harder for money though.

The key to a happy marriage is an open palm. Don’t marry a rich man. Marry a good man. He will spend the rest of his life trying to keep you happy. No rich man can buy that. Actually, scratch that. By all means, marry a wealthy man, you’ll much rather cry in a Bentley than on the subway. If you get what I mean. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking, it’s called marriage. You never know what true happiness is until you get married. By then it’s too late.

Every woman has at least one challenge in life. She’s either married to it or gives birth to it. If you think women are the weaker vessels, try pulling the blankets over to your side in the middle of the night. Marriage is basically an endless sleepover with your favorite weirdo. That doesn’t mean you should try to kiss her with an unbrushed mouth. Don’t allow satan to end your marriage.  Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won’t eat all of yours. If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from dogs, not relationships.

Coming home to her. There’s no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps. Actually, I lied, winning the lottery is greater happiness, but this definitely comes a close second. Great marriages are contagious. If you want a great marriage, surround yourself with couples who have one. They’ll keep you on your toes. Not those idiots that are constantly quarreling. Actually those guys are equally great for entertainment and a clear reminder of what not to do.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then have the nerve to complain that he’s no longer the man she married? You ruined him, Cindy! Now he’s broken and no one can fix him. Not even the mechanic. In the end though, by all means, get married. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. My wife and I were happy for twenty years, then we met. And know this, a man is incomplete until he is married.

Then he is finished.

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