Yesterday was Valentine’s day, or as men like to call it, extortion day. Valentine’s day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is. I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day anyways. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. In truth, without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.
I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day. So I tied my girlfriend up, and for three hours I slept soundly. You should try it, I do 100% recommend. I never needed a valentine. What I do need is a million dollars, and a fast metabolism. If love is answer, could you rephrase the question? Because love is a two way street constantly under construction. In the end though, I really want to be warm yellow light that pours over everyone I love.
I love you because you are almost exactly like me, and I’m the best. So you’re the next best thing that happened to me. After sandwiches. An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have, the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction. Now honey, if it wouldn’t be too much of a bother, can you focus on the road? I’m not quite eager to die.
Love is like a lot of gas. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit. You see, love is like a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. One day I caught myself smiling for no reason. Was it love? Or maybe I was happy, sort of? Certainly not for being in love with someone. If it’s indeed love, then maybe love is a form of madness. Ergo to be in love would mean that you are given to lunacy. My math totally checks out.
Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. If only your heart could stop getting involved in everything. Its job is to pump blood, and that’s it. The way to a man’s heart is through his chest, with a saw, in between the fourth and fifth rib. Or if it’s in my case, through Felicia. Once you can get her to spin your agenda, you’re already halfway there. Only real ones know who Felicia is.
There is no distinct color of love, it only takes the color of the hearts. The purest and most thoughtful minds are those that love color the most. Psychology says that people who love black color have the most beautiful minds. This probably explains me and my life in a nutshell. My favorite color is Matte black. You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet. I’m asking you not to be color blind, but to be color brave.
To the ladies, marry a man your own age. So that as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. To all my single male and female friends, no one loves you at all, out enough to do something about your condition. For this, I say congratulations . You have achieved your goal in life. Cheers to more of the same. If you love someone, set them free but keep their Netflix password. And to the love of my life. Roses are red. Bullets are lead. Take me back now, or get shot in the head.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
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