Being A Woman

I’ve always flirted with the idea of being one of these miracle creatures. Behind every successful woman is a basket of dirty laundry. The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. You learn so much on that trip. If she has inferiority complex, is an impulse buyer, or if she’s batshit crazy. Women know, they just know. Even if they don’t know, they would still know. Men probably won’t get this, but women will, because they know. Women are the type to wake you up at 2 am to ask you if you’d still love her if she were a frog or some shit. And you have to answer unless she won’t let you go back to sleep.

Greatness. The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised. Being a grown-up woman doesn’t mean you can’t look beautiful, individual, and different. I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you’re important and nice, but you take second place all the same. That being said, there’s nothing more dangerous than a beautiful woman who is focused and unimpressed. She’s going to leave your sorry arse bro. Winter is coming.


Secret. A woman can keep one secret – the secret of her age. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. I feel there is something unexplored about women that only a woman can explore. They are ever ready to take secrets to the grave. Now, fellas, you know that kid that doesn’t really look like you? Yeah

Sharing. For years, I have tried to understand the rationale behind her eating off my plate. We literally have the exact same dish. Her excuse? Mine tastes better. How in the blue hell does mine taste better? Now, why does she frown when I try to return the favor, glutton? Two women can’t share a house comfortably, no matter how fond they might be of each other. It’s got to be one woman’s kitchen. It’s a scientific fact to never tell a woman she’s crazy. Unless you want to see crazy, then go for it. You didn’t really like that TV anyway.


Fearless. If men had to push out children at regular intervals of nine months, humans would have since become extinct. A woman is like a teabag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water. No woman should ever perceive herself as inferior to a man, because there is absolutely nothing inferior about childbearing and upbringing. If a woman is sufficiently ambitious, determined, and gifted – there is practically nothing she can’t do. A strong woman looks a challenge dead in the eye and gives it a wink.

Impulse. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. The reason women don’t play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. A man has his will, but a woman has her way. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius. Once you pair with a clown, you lose all your powers. Stay single ladies.


Right or Wrong. Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly. A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. A woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends up blocking his retreat. I’m annoying and that’s why you always find my nose in women’s business. In all honesty, it is hard to be a woman. You must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a young girl, and work like a horse. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him…

is he still wrong?

© Gottfried. All rights reserved


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