Why We Hate Christmas

December 20, 2021January 2, 2022 ~ Gottfried

Christmas is a competition between who gives up first, your feet or your wallet. I’m only a morning person on December 25. It’s the only day you don’t have to worry about getting a mail from your line manager. If you get work mails during the holidays then you’re a slave. The office christmas party is so unnecessary, it gives you the opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen in the past twenty minutes. Here’s an idea, instead of wasting all that money, just add it to our bonuses for the month. We don’t fancy our colleagues that much.

Santa Claus has the right idea, visit people only once a year. Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year. Okay, most of the time. Once in a while. Nevermind, I’ll buy my own presents. This year my advice for you is to mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for christmas. Also, avoid drinking too much at the office christmas party by drinking too much before the office christmas party. Just so we’re clear, the grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.

O come all ye faithful. Well, there goes 85% percent of the population. The best way to spread christmas cheer is to sing loudly for all to hear. If your voice is not being heard at the city center, you’re not doing it right. Are we forgetting the full meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. The main reason why Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. This Christmas instead of giving gifts, I’m giving everyone my opinions.

I’m the reason Santa has a naughty list. And it’s not because I did anything wrong, I just think he hates me and might be lowkey racist. I’ve never seen him visit black families. All they get is Father Christmas, who is Santa’s evil twin brother. Christmas is the time you get homesick, even when you’re home. Home just doesn’t feel like home anymore because you no longer believe in the pagan holiday but you’re forced by society to participate in the festivities.

I once bought my niece a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included’ Their mom didn’t appreciate my thoughtful gift. Christmas is so much worse as you get older. It’s like “What do you want this year?” I don’t know. Financial security? A career? A back that doesn’t ache? A sense of purpose. Heck, a nap would be nice. I’ll take that. I once wanted to be an atheist, I abandoned the cause when I realized they have no holidays.

I never get gifts for christmas. Hamper baskets don’t count, they’re just you doing grocery shopping for me and giftwrapping it. The worst gift is a fruitcake. I’m convinced there is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. So if you get a fruitcake this christmas, don’t eat it, re-gift it. There’s nothing sadder in the world than to awake christmas morning and not be a child. The joy of christmas lies in your youth.

Here’s a holiday shopping tip for you. To save money, buy all your presents from the “It’s the thought that counts” department. You’ll be surprised at all the “this should do” items you can find. No matter how old you are, an empty christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with. It is nothing short of therapeutic. My dearest Delilah, in this season of love, I want you to know that all I want for Christmas is you.

I’m joking. Send me money.