While in the army, as with most war stories, we lost our way. Figuratively. I mean all that gun powder and smoke does that to you. I remember it all like it was yesterday. We managed to suppress enemy fire and secure the village. And then it began, the people of the village refused to let us stay, and you wouldn’t blame them, we were the strangers. Suddenly there was a loud cry, I looked up and saw two women struggling. Moving closer I discovered they were holding a baby. Apparently they were both in labor side by side the night before and by morning one of the babies had died. They both swore that the dead baby wasn’t thiers. Left with no option, I did what any rational soldier would do. I shot the baby. Twice. Case closed.
A fine specimen, I’m no stranger to women making passes at me. Passing by the senior girls classes, I could hear the whistling. Calls for me to satisfy their innate desires. My resolve was relatively unthreatened, until I saw her. Her voice was slightly higher pitched than the rest and she was relentless. I stopped walking for a bit, turned towards the direction of her voice and beckoned on her to approach me. Her face lit up and in a flash she ran to where I was and stopped right in front of me, a shy smile etched on her face. I opened my arms wide inviting an embrace and she drew closer. As soon as she got within touching distance, I gave her a heavy knock on her head! The disrespect to an elder like me. According to my sources, she cried for three days and two nights.
Getting my degree as a trained surgeon was not going as planned. I was knee deep in debt and a long way off from completing my course work. Time was running out. It was Grandpa’s dying wish that I became a surgeon and I wasn’t going to let him down. At my wits end, I went online and sold a kidney. Back on my grind, one kidney less, I was more determined to make it. And I did it! I graduated from Medical School after sixteen years and fourteen months. Now in my small practice, I have somewhat of a ritual anytime anyone goes under my knife. I make sure to sign my initials on the part I operate on, be it kidney or heart. A patient’s wife caught me and now she’s trying to hand me over to the police. How ungrateful!
The world is coming to an end. How do I know? I saw it in a dream or maybe I was hallucinating. One of the side effects of malaria. I was sent to deliver this message to you but unfortunately I got swallowed by a killer whale somewhere across the Gulf of Guinea. While in the belly of the whale, I met Matthew. This happened on the third day as I had spent the first two and a half days crying my eyes out. Do you know that killer whales have electricity running through them? Neither did I. Anyway, Matthew lent me his iPhone charger to power my dead phone and that’s how you’re getting all of this. As you read this, I am still in the belly of the whale. Oh, and don’t bother looking for me, I’m not leaving! There’s also free WiFi and an endless supply of cold water. A perfect holiday if you ask me.
No child left behind. On the seventh floor in one of New York’s popular high rise buildings, suddenly the alarm rang. Over the PA the announcer screamed that the entire building be evacuated. Curse my luck, my first time in New York and this is what I have to deal with? Did I mention that I was in my birthday suit? Yup, just perfect. I’m in the elevator on my way down and I realize I’m the only one in any hurry to get off. Apparently it was a ruse and they were trying to clear my floor of the building for yet another episode of The Flash. I wasn’t having it. I got to where the crew were and tried to get close to the producers. Just as I was about to open my mouth, it was shut by security. After pleading profusely, I was released kicking and screaming. On my way out of the building, I slipped a note into the pocket of the lead cast member. It read, “Please make it stop”
Yesterday I was walking to a job interview. There was a starving man and his dog by the road. I stopped to give them some money but I didn’t have anything in my pockets so I went back home and picked up the half eaten carton of pizza and jar of milk I had left. When I got back, the homeless man was nowhere to be found but the dog was there. I gave the dog the food and hurried on my way. Unfortunately, my legs don’t work like they used to before so I missed the interview. The next day, I got a call asking me to come and do the interview I had missed. I was surprised but I went. Then the interviewer came in. He was the dog. The homeless man was his assistant. Together we all ate Scooby snacks. It tasted delicious.
At the end of the day, some you win some you lose. Personally, I’ve always been a sore loser. We’re having an intellectual debate and I’m losing badly. The opposing team is tearing my points apart and making a mockery of the entire session. For my final rebuttal, I promise myself that I was going to win at all costs. So I ask the lead opposition member to “stand up for what he really believed in”. Suddenly there was an awkward silence. He couldn’t. No one uttered a word after that. To this day I wonder whether it’s because he was in a wheelchair. Needless to say, I won the debate for my team. Remember kids, when they go low, you go lower.
See if you can tell the fiction from the nonfiction 👀
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