The Interview

Why I left my last job? The company shifted the office and didn’t tell me where it was. Where I see myself in five years? I’d say my biggest weakness is listening. What I have planned for the future? To eat lunch. Long-term plans? Well, to have dinner.

What do I make at my current job? Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments really. The other day my cellphone was acting up. I kept pressing “home” but somehow I was still at work. Do you still want to hear about my past work experiences or will you mind your business?

Will I be able to work under pressure? I have a girlfriend, I’m always under pressure. The fact that I poured water into my cup and it overflowed slightly during this interview does not mean that I am nervous. Far from it, I am simply demonstrating how I always give 110%.

Why I want this job? I’ve always felt passionate about not starving to death. What I want to work here? Well, apart from the crushing workload, lack of guidance and support from management, dreadful working conditions and long hours, this place represents paradise to me.

What are my strengths? Well, I’m an optimist and positive thinker. Should I give an example? Yes, so when do I start? Kindly inform all the other applicants that I’ve filled this position. I should imagine what I’d do to escape a fire on the fifth floor? I’d stop imagining. Problem solved.

Tell you about myself? I’d rather not, I really want this job. The police stopped by my house the other day and tried to interview me. I found that very strange. I didn’t even apply for a job there. I need to be careful about how I throw my CV around.

The interviewer handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!” I said, “$200 and it’s yours.” I didn’t get the job…

but I got a fairly used laptop with company secrets

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