Calling

~ Gottfried

I hate it when people text “Call me.” I’m going to start calling people and as soon as they pick up, I’ll say “Text Me” and hang up. Have you ever wondered why your phone is at it’s busiest when it’s on silent? Phone on silent = 10 missed calls and 15 new messages. Turn volume to the loudest and stare at the phone all day = nobody calls.

I hate awkward silences over the phone, it’s the reason I don’t like to talk on the phone. Why would you call me without having a template for the conversation you intend for us to have? Funniest thing is when a strange number calls me on the phone and doesn’t say a word. Welcome to the breathing competition my friend. May the best swimmer win.

The worst part of getting a phone call is the twelve seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing. At 3am, you look down at your phone at your phone and it’s ringing. Why? I’m not a fireman! You pick and the person goes, “Are you asleep?” To which you respond with, “No, I’m skydiving.”

What’s happening with your phone? Every time I call you it says, ‘The subscriber you’re calling is a Monkey, please contact the Zoo.’ The first thing I do when an unknown number calls? I answer the call by saying, “South state mortuary, how can I help you?” Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did someone else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don’t you let them?

I’m sorry for not answering your call on my phone. I don’t use it for that. The telephone is a hundred-year old technology. It’s time for a change. Charging for phone calls is something you did last century. Calls should be free. The best feeling is when you work in a call center and the customer you’re helping just gets it because they also work in a call center.

Every phone call could have been an email. “Hi Gottfried, my mom died. Kind Regards” Emails get reactions, Phone calls start conversations. Conversations like who edited the homepage content of the company website and why was it you Gottfried? At least if you asked via email, I’d be under less pressure and it’ll give me enough time to come up with a well-crafted lie to get myself off the hook.

If pooping is a call of nature, does that mean farting is a missed call? A booty call is a shout from the bathroom letting you know it’s time to wipe someone’s butt. If we can’t solve it via email, Instant Messaging, texting, faxing, or phone calls, let’s resort to meeting in person. I thought talk was cheap…

until I saw my telephone bill

©️ Gottfried. All rights reserved

158 thoughts on “Calling”

  1. And he’s back. Phew! My one daughter asks are you still awake? At midnight or after. Tempted to say, no, but I promised not to lie to my children. The other calls on video while cooking or/ and bathing kids – screaming instructions down the hall – all I can see is the ceiling. Sorry,
    I lost you, she says frequently. PUT YOUR OWN PYJAMAS ON! Still there, mom? I like the sky diving response.
    Keep with the program, dear heart. Tons of red heart emojis.

    Liked by 6 people

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  2. My actual “phone” app is one of the least used apps on my iPhone. Since I work remote, the majority of all my communication is via Zoom chat or video call. After that, you’re right on the money – text me! I pray health and happiness for you brother. 😄

    Liked by 3 people

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  4. I agree with you on the “I must prove it is me to pay my bill” why? If someone else is trying to pay my bill, LET THEM! Most of my conversations with my mom are over Messenger on Facebook these days because I live 3000 miles away and I am busy with the kids doing school at home, so she does not call anymore because the first 1000 times she did, she got to know my voice mail very well and she hates it. My friends know better anyway. Glad to see you back and posting!

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  5. Oh Dear Lord Mr. Gottfried Being the Manager
    AND Or Supervisor on Call During All Other Hours
    Not on the Clock AS Such in Other Words Always

    On the Clock
    Where Ring Means
    Dread Just Damned Dread REAL

    Even AT 3AM WHEN YOU HAVE
    TO BE THE ONE TO COME IN
    TO LOCK THE BUILDING UP
    AS SOMEONE FORGOT TO

    LOCK IT UP LOCK IT UP
    LOCK IT UP JUST FAILING
    TO LOCK IT UP Below Freezing

    in the Wee Hours of the Night
    Indeed 3 Hours till Back Again

    Yawn those Days Are Dust As When
    They No Longer Need You They No Longer
    Call And All That’s Left Are Those Phone Bots

    Attempting to Sell More Extending Warranties
    for a Honda Civic That Is Practically Bullet Proof Hehe

    We Tossed Our Home Phone Out Years Ago As After i Left
    The Work Habit No Longer Needing to Earn the Green PaperBack God
    Fourteen Years and Nine Months Ago Either Someone Died And Now Most

    Of Them Are Dead Anyway As That is What Ya Usually Do in Your 50’s Attend
    Services For Elder Relatives Or Yes Those Damned Robo-Calls YUCK for Selling

    Used Car Warranties

    Also Reminiscent of Serial
    Likers And Followers On Word Press
    Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring
    Ring Ring Ring Ding Ding Ding Ding A Ling Sing

    ALonGS When You Know Good And God Damned
    Well No One Read A Word of Every Single
    Bi-Monthly 60,000 Word Blog Poem Yet It’s

    True At Least
    Ya Don’t Have
    to Pick Up The Ring Ding
    And of Course Smart Phones
    Will Mute All the Notifications Anyway

    Bah Humbug What Grown Man Who Doesn’t
    Work Has FRiEnDS or Ever Really Had FRiEnDS

    Other than Employees And Employers Calling them
    to Put

    Out Fires

    i Suppose that
    May Be All Men
    Are Seen Good For
    Putting Out Fires Indeed
    At Least in The Work Place Years…

    My Father Only Did His Shift For 46 Years Then
    in Law Enforcement Never Staying Long Above
    Deputy Sheriff And His Phone Stayed Silent
    That Way During Every Visit And of Course

    He Was Part of A Male Generation Who Didn’t
    Talk Anyway

    at
    least
    Not at Home
    to Anyone Hehe

    (i Did A Work-Related
    Phase Like That
    For Decades too)

    Not Unlike Snoopy Per
    ‘TwaS A DarK And Stormy
    Night’ Even A Dog Howling
    At the Moon May Find FRiEnDS
    In Words As Soul Sings Back to Ego THiS Way

    Or Just A Solo Dance
    (17,388 Miles Now
    in 110 Months on
    The Eve of Hallow Eve
    Yes to Create SMiles in
    Public Still For An Entire
    Metro Area of 600,000 Folks
    Yes in a Dancing Spree Loaded in the
    Barrel of A State Named For Flowers
    Yet Shaped Like A Revolver Indeed

    From the Tip
    Of the Barrel
    To the Very Bottom of Key West
    As Hemingway’s Ghost Sings on True too
    Still On Call Tween Book Covers For Real Like

    Snoopy too

    Or Something Like
    This the Size
    of War And

    Peace With SMiLes…

    Ring Ring Ring If You
    Are not Exhausted From
    Reading This And Winning
    Another Gold Medal For Effort

    Pick Up A Line

    And Make it even Longer if You ‘Like’ Hehe..:)

    Liked by 2 people

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      1. Oh Dear Lord Times Two
        Mr. Gottfried No Doubt The
        One That Went To Spam
        Several Weeks Ago With
        The Gif of my Wife Dressed
        Up Early With Her “Bay Watch
        Bikini” Halloween Costume Was
        (Still up on My Latest Blog
        Poem Novel Close to
        60,000 Bi-Monthly
        Words Too Crashing
        Every Dumb Smart
        Phone “Moore’s Law”
        STill Way
        Behind me)
        Yet The Best
        Spam oF All
        Goddess Yes!!!
        Hehe FoLLoWinG
        BEHIND Her Up
        The Boardwalk of
        The Beach A Real
        EPiC iPhone Treat
        The Algorithm Police
        Really F’ed It Up Hiding

        That Treat And
        There Was Also
        A Gif From The
        Dance 💃 Hall
        Months Ago That
        Was A Huge Treat
        Too Trashed By The

        Prude
        Algorithm
        Police Dear Lord
        What IT Would Have

        Done With my
        Halloween
        Costume
        Yet It’s
        Not Rated
        For Work Spaces
        And Mostly For
        Free Nature Like

        “Eve”
        On A Sunny
        “Bay Watch” Day

        Still Rated PG

        Of Course For me
        In my Personally
        Planted Seedy Garden of

        Eden Anyway
        Ring Ding 🛎 A
        Ling Happy Halloween
        May it Be Your Best Eve too😇

        All Saints 👼
        Day Next
        With Wings of Course
        Falling or RiSinG Matters

        Not For
        A BRinGeR
        Of MOONLiGHT

        Feels Right

        Or Left
        Tongue
        In Cheek of Course 😜

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply

          3. SMiles Dear Mr. Gottfried
            i Just Captured A Butterfly iN FLiGHT
            With my Apple 🍎
            Phone in Garden
            Of Eden DELiGHT Never
            Ending Story Of “A Day
            iN The Life” i Shall
            Continue To
            Lend A Wing
            To Dance Sing
            Free Truly Ringing
            In The Sheaves Yes
            SPRinGinG SMiLes
            Year
            Round
            In Effortless
            “Wu Wei”
            Autotelic
            FLoWinG Ease
            Hehe if Only
            i Will Let Go
            Of my Scientist
            Fredenstein BRaiN 🧠 🎃

            Liked by 1 person

          5. Hehe Neither Afraid
            Of DarK Or Cynical
            oF LiGHT Life is
            Truly A Tragi-
            Comedy 🎭
            So i Play
            Every Day As
            A Mix Of Hallow’s Eve
            Marrying The Night
            Merrying All Saint’s Day
            Angel Neither Falling
            Or RiSinG FRiEnDS

            With Gravity
            Nature’s
            Greatest
            Wisdom
            BaLaNCinG
            DarK iN LiGHT
            All That Deeper
            Ocean Yin And Yang

            Jazz Always
            Creating New
            Tunes Vibrations
            Frequencies iN Energy
            Of Synergies May This

            ‘Force’
            Also
            Be With
            You Always
            Peace ☮️ iN ✌️
            Love to Go Even

            Longer

            He
            He🎃👻👼

            Liked by 1 person

  6. Where to start:

    “Welcome to the breathing competition my friend. May the best swimmer win.”

    “Are you asleep?” To which you respond with, “No, I’m skydiving.”

    “I thought talk was cheap…

    until I saw my telephone bill”

    💗

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  7. Awesome, fabulous, and very hilarious post. You have a wonderful sense of humor. It’s such a delight to read your blogs. I am still laughing. 😂😂😂. If pooping is a call of nature, is farting a missed call? 😂😂😂😂. Great post.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

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