Talking Furniture

~ Gottfried

So I had a chat with all the pieces of furniture in your house and interestingly they had quite a lot to say about you. Grab a chair, it might be a while.

The bathtub went first, he wants to understand why it is, that you always leave soap suds on him after a bath? He advised that you fix up in the future before he trips you and you die.

Moving on, the tales of soap were a bit more sorrowful. You don’t bathe regularly meaning that when you do arrive, the stench is overwhelming. I mean she’s soap, a cleaning agent, what’s the fuss about right? Then about hair, it’s a new year, don’t leave any more hair on her when you’re done. Cheers

Socket was buzzing to give his own review and recommendations. You’ve been using pen covers, sticks of toothpick and plugs that don’t fit. All he hopes for is the day you put in a dining fork, that way he could tickle you a little.

Ah the couch, the poor couch. You’ve been farting all year long into him. He can come to terms with the fact that you place your dirty feet on him, but the farting thing must stop. He’s on the very last straw. Plus if you’re going to sleep on him, at the very least don’t snore.

Pillow said to ask you if you know people sometimes “air” pillows? There’s sweat and saliva residue from several moons ago still sitting pretty on pillow. He’s asked for a bit of fresh air, is that too much to ask?

The curtains all came to collectively ask if they could have the experience of being washed. They understand that it’s a somewhat alien concept to you. They hope you reconsider and treat them to a bath at least once every quarter.

The light bulb says he doesn’t mind shinning all day but sometimes at night, he’d like to be given a well-deserved rest. What kind of psychopath sleeps with the light bulb on at night?

The phone charger couldn’t be consoled. He’d been sobbing ever since I walked in. He comes from a family of farmers but you keep twisting him like he’s a gymnast. I heard from the grapevine that he has a deal with the wall socket. Get ready for fireworks.

I’ll be right back, the door just shut himself and has sworn he’d not allow any keys come near him. Especially since you haven’t oiled him up since installation.

This isn’t over.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

190 thoughts on “Talking Furniture”

  4. This was such a morning crack-me-up. I had to instantaneous apologise to the deep depression on my bed. I was a body sized crater. Anyway let’s just talk about you. Your wit drives me up the wall and I’m just happy to stay there and read more. Loving your posts more and more.

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  6. Even furniture has feelings. I am surprised “Soap” got a mention in this one. While I had such a great relationship with my soap pre-marriage, we released it back into the wild after I got married. We’ve been using shower gel from the bottle ever since…..
    I feel sorry for any member of the “charging family”, they are getting absolutely rinsed at the moment.

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  10. This isn’t over 😂😂 it can’t be. Looking forward for the next post 😂😂LOL , super fun reading, couch is so hilarious 😂😜😂 Fantastic writing Gottfried ✨👍

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