Talking Furniture

~ Gottfried

So I had a chat with all the pieces of furniture in your house and interestingly they had quite a lot to say about you. Grab a chair, it might be a while.

The bathtub went first, he wants to understand why it is, that you always leave soap suds on him after a bath? He advised that you fix up in the future before he trips you and you die.

Moving on, the tales of soap were a bit more sorrowful. You don’t bathe regularly meaning that when you do arrive, the stench is overwhelming. I mean she’s soap, a cleaning agent, what’s the fuss about right? Then about hair, it’s a new year, don’t leave any more hair on her when you’re done. Cheers

Socket was buzzing to give his own review and recommendations. You’ve been using pen covers, sticks of toothpick and plugs that don’t fit. All he hopes for is the day you put in a dining fork, that way he could tickle you a little.

Ah the couch, the poor couch. You’ve been farting all year long into him. He can come to terms with the fact that you place your dirty feet on him, but the farting thing must stop. He’s on the very last straw. Plus if you’re going to sleep on him, at the very least don’t snore.

Pillow said to ask you if you know people sometimes “air” pillows? There’s sweat and saliva residue from several moons ago still sitting pretty on pillow. He’s asked for a bit of fresh air, is that too much to ask?

The curtains all came to collectively ask if they could have the experience of being washed. They understand that it’s a somewhat alien concept to you. They hope you reconsider and treat them to a bath at least once every quarter.

The light bulb says he doesn’t mind shinning all day but sometimes at night, he’d like to be given a well-deserved rest. What kind of psychopath sleeps with the light bulb on at night?

The phone charger couldn’t be consoled. He’d been sobbing ever since I walked in. He comes from a family of farmers but you keep twisting him like he’s a gymnast. I heard from the grapevine that he has a deal with the wall socket. Get ready for fireworks.

I’ll be right back, the door just shut himself and has sworn he’d not allow any keys come near him. Especially since you haven’t oiled him up since installation.

This isn’t over.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

190 thoughts on “Talking Furniture”

  2. Funny. I never thought about furniture having issues although there have been times in my life when I felt like a piece of furniture.

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      1. I agree. I believe the furniture may be getting the worst of it because they are spending more time with us and are being used dreadfully.

        Liked by 1 person

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  7. ON PHYSIOLOGY, MOOD AND SAME SENSATION FOR DIFFERENT REASONS
    ◇ – Diamond Hard – ◇
    ♡ “Why are you crying; is it happy, sad, onions or something else 🤔 ?”
    ♡ “I am not sick 🤢🤮; it’s pregnancy!!!”
    ♡ “It’s not COVID-19, I have asthma, a common cold, inflammation, a frog in my throat, cold sweats, sniffles and mucous; all Perfect Symptoms of a Perfectly Operating AutoImmune System whereby I Heal MySelf rather than Play Guessing Games with ALL those Medical ‘Experts’ who Cannot Agree on AnyThing.”
    nisi mortuus nec neque nolite vicit 🤭🤫🤐
    …♡♡♡…
    ◇ – Diamond Hard – ◇
    …◇◇◇…

    Liked by 2 people

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  8. Oh my god, been following your work for some time. I absolutely love the satire, sarcasm and humour you put into it. Couch and phone charger really cracked me up!😂😂 Waiting for the next part eagerly.☺

    Liked by 4 people

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