If Dogs Could Talk

~ Gottfried

A dog is a man’s best friend according to experts. Women argue that “all men are dogs” and it’s fitting. We both share one thing in common, we can’t speak for ourselves.

An ethnic group in Nigeria has added dogs to the MENU. Such a shame PETA hasn’t found them out yet. Dogs are smart so maybe it’s not such a bad idea, seeing as they possess all that wisdom. But if they could argue their case, here’s what they’ll say.

Get the damn ball yourself! You’ve thrown the ball a sum total of 1,000+ times and each time, I brave my all to go fetch the ball and bring it back to you, only for you throw the ball again? My friend, better go and get the ball yourself! Nonsense! No respect! Just kidding, don’t eat me, please…

Something happened in the kitchen. When I say I tried my best to cover my tracks I really did, but you got hands and I’ve got paws so it’s really difficult to cover up your tracks afterward. I may have food particles on my nostrils but I want to categorically say, it wasn’t me.

Stop kissing me, I don’t know any better. I might not have a choice since you’re my owner and sadly you’re directly responsible for whether or not I live. But can you kindly ease off with the kissing? Your breath stinks! Do you even brush your tongue? Do better man, pats are cool but let’s leave it at that. Cheers

I pee where I want when I want! It’s natural to go absolutely anytime and anyplace I want. Why are you screaming at me for peeing on a tree? It’s literally the last part of myself I have left before you turn me fully into a toddler. Get off my back! Hold on a second, is that rabies I smell?\

Don’t blame me! Imagine blaming me for thieves breaking into your home. Since you brought me home, you’ve never served me bones as juicy as these. So forgive me for letting these nice men dressed in black masks into your home. I thought they were family too.

I am what I eat. You’ve been feeding me okpa and leftovers and you imagine I’d grow any bigger than this? Can’t you hear my bark? I sound like a faulty generator and we all know who’s to blame. I can only keep watch during the day, you’re not the only one that needs sleep at night playa.

Lastly, I hate the cat. I dunno what kind of a psychopath lives with someone they hate, but here you are, forcing me to live with a sworn enemy. Just so you don’t say I didn’t warn you if you one day find the cat in a pool of its own blood…

blame the witches

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

368 thoughts on “If Dogs Could Talk”

      1. I know that dogs can go through stages, times when they can speak up about things in their own way, such as alerting the members of their pack to possible visitors and/or dangerous people and animals, as well as sometimes just being talkative in their canine language. Have you had many dogs in your life?

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          7. Gottfried, if spicy food, peppers and hot sauce is in your taste, you might enjoy my current posts. I will be doing a lot more posting when I have peppers in production.

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          1. Gottfried, if there was a language translator designed specifically for dogs, we could ask dogs if they wanted anything and their barks could translate to spoken English. Just my thoughts.

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          3. I know that as dogs get to considerably old age, at least what may seem to be old age to them, that they may not be overly active physically. Having said that, if a dog is had for a certain time period before they get to what is old age for them, I would not be surprised if a dog would have a high level of energy otherwise.

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          23. Gottfried, if you know anybody, family or friends that do enjoy spicy foods, peppers of any variety, please tell them about my blog. I will keep it updated as often as is possible.

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          31. Just because comments are in the pending approval category does not mean that they will not be read and/or approved. Be sure to look over each post I have presently and see if any of the sauces I have reviewed have any appeal to you.

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          51. Gottfried, in my last comment, where I put the comma between your name and the following word, I forgot to put a space between the 2. Can you edit that comment for me to correct that?

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  10. it is true when it is said that we pay attention to the beginning and the end of a text (the beginning only if it is really good), but you did a trick, you put the damn ending “make a lady angry” .. AAAAAh! (ok, I was Pavlov’s dog.)
    I know, the saber blow is due to the initial affirmation that men cannot talk about themselves and I know, sooner or later women seem all witches to men. But let’s not blame our beloved, pampered, desired cats! NO! (ok, this is a pretext, I don’t have a cat) 😛

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