Felicia

~ Gottfried

In another universe, she’s the Prime Minister of Britain and there’s no Brexit because why’d you need to leave the house when all your family is here? You know you’ve landed in hot water with her when she hits you with this iconic one-liner.

What went wrong with you?

You’re having a conversation with yourself like. “Really man, what is our problem, we need to get our shit together!”

Mind games expert. I don’t know how she manages but she has a knack for making you come to a conclusion that she already had in mind without you realizing. I think the secret is that she plants the seed of thought days before in your head and comes back later to engage you in a conversation and then you just regurgitate what she told you as the decision you’ve come up with. She would outsmart peak Jose Mourinho.

An alarmist. When she’s worried, she’s not only difficult to manage but she ensures everyone around her is TWICE as worried. Imagine falling sick and the only thing you’re worried about is how to ensure she doesn’t find out because it’s much easier to manage your problem than add to hers. On the phone, good news or bad news, you can’t tell, the scream is the exact same. Alamieyeseigha.

Ten to two. For anyone who drives, you’ll know that driving your mom is the hardest thing ever. She’s convinced you’re not paying attention to the other cars on the road and half the time she imagines you’re about to get hit and/or hit someone. It’s a complete horror show! A battle you simply can’t win. Left to her we’d be cruising at 70 Km/hr tops. Talking about “the goal of the journey is to get to the destination in one piece” I hope you’re happy we’re getting overtaken by a tow truck!

I can still hear her screaming. I suffer PTSD any time I have headphones plugged in because I still hear her calling out my name from the great beyond.

Felicia: Gottfried! Gottfried!

Gottfried: Exactly why are you calling out my name this time?

Felicia: I just want to be sure you’re around in case I need someone to talk to.

Gottfried: (Sigh) I need to move out

Comedienne. There are suspicions I learned the art of storytelling from her but we aren’t giving her the credit now are we? She’d tell the simplest jokes and somehow have everyone rolling. She does that thing where before she’s even said a word she’s already laughing so much you get contact laugh just by looking at her face. Joke delivery is 10/10.

No snacking on her watch. This woman wouldn’t care if we were a thousand miles away from home, you have to wait it out.

Gottfried: I’m hungry!

Felicia: There is rice at home

Gottfried: Okay but, can we have snacks before we get home? I might faint from hunger!

Felicia: Nope

I ask her if she can at least buy a bottle of water since I was thirsty too. This woman really goes on to explain to me that the water at home is better? I’m done! I’m well and truly done with you!

On the whole, I think mothers are God’s gift to humanity. If anything they teach an object lesson on unconditional love. It doesn’t help that they wake you up after midnight to go look for your father because he hasn’t called home from work and she can’t sleep. A small price to pay for true love that does exist. It’s these little acts that restore my dwindling faith in humanity. That being said…

She’s up for sale! eBay?

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

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