Meeting Her Parents

It’s something you’ve dreaded all your life. Legends tell the tale of a man who contracts the ultimate illness which eventually kills him. It’s name, Love.

You take a look at this individual and say the sacred words.

“From today, your bullshit is my bullshit, and my bullshit is your bullshit. Capeesh?”

She unfortunately agrees, but that’s the easy part because she doesn’t know any better. The hard part is meeting the individuals responsible for bringing her across to this side of the divide. Here are a few tips you could use.

Dress to depress. You’re not a gentleman, so there is absolutely no point pretending. They wouldn’t mind that you look homeless, if anything, it would kick in their care instincts to take you under their roof. Don’t bother getting a haircut, that’s faux. Every dad wants to know that the guy his daughter is dating is respectful to both his daughter and to elders. Don’t be that guy, be unique.

Make snide remarks about their living conditions. The china you were served with had a striking resemblance to those that were used in the last supper. You’re kinda sure that they take their health seriously, but why isn’t there any cross ventilation in the living room? No wonder your spouse is an airhead. Who still uses a manual grinder? These people need to know that you are here to alleviate the family from poverty and this should be evident in your conduct.

“With all due respect sir, may I write you a cheque?”

Come empty-handed. What do you give to the parents of the girl you love who already have everything? Nothing! The key to acing the parents’ test not to impress. The lower your overall score, the higher your chances. But of course, if like myself you enjoy a bit of drama, bring a bottle of whiskey. Who doesn’t love an alcoholic?

Act disinterested. When you’re asked about her, do your best to sound as disinterested as humanly possible. It’s perfectly fine to talk about all her flaws, you’d be surprised, It could well be the beginning of a bonding session between you and her dad. If the parents don’t start aggressively marketing their daughter to you, you have failed!

Disagree with everything the dad says. Argue against his beliefs. Show him you’re the alpha male at the table. The family that argues together, stays together. This is common knowledge, right? The nerve of the dad to say that video games are childish and pointless. Isn’t that a subtle invitation to throw hands? Cancel the whole relationship!

Ideally, you should keep the PDA at a minimal level, but that’s not your style. Sloppy kisses are the order of the day. Your display might be the spark that reignites the love between her parents, killing two stones with one bird.

At this point, you’re sure they’ve had it up to a piss boiling point. Unfortunately, your spouse conveniently forgot to mention that her dad is a retired army general. He politely asks to leave the table to visit the convenience. The last sound you hear is the cock of a rifle as you throw yourself through the nearest window. And…

you’re back on the hunt