Big Mouth

I’ve lived the majority of my years with a big mouth. Yes literally and figuratively. I’m the guy to tell you that your fly is open from across the room. If you do get embarrassed, I want to let you know that it was entirely my intention.

I’m perpetually in one tight fix or the other. No real surprise there right? The good news is, the mouth that puts me in trouble also rescues me in like fashion. Even though sometimes, it’s too little too late.

Gottfried: I didn’t mean it like that…

Naomi: You called me fat!

Gottfried: My bad, what I mean is that you’re rough…round around the edges…

Naomi: That’s worse!

Gottfried: You’re fluffy? Cuddly? Chubby?

Naomi: I’m done with you!

Gottfried: Wait…You’re what the good book meant when it said: “to have and to hold…”

Gottfried: Shit…

You might have a big mouth, but don’t be mistaken, you’re no comedian. Believe me, I learned this the hard way. As I looked back at the audience booing me off the stage, I realized that people hate it when they’re the target for fart jokes.

Having a big mouth does have its perks. It means you can go through your entire life completely oblivious to shame and embarrassment. You can’t shame the shameless. The bar is literally on the floor, if anything, any attempt to shaming me will see me drag you right into the mud. With me!

It’s tragic on dates though. You end up rattling on about yourself without as much as giving her a few seconds to share her sad stories. To be fair, are women even funny? Put up a show. If she doesn’t laugh, offer to buy her food and watch her laugh at every single joke. I hear some ladies go on dates for the food, how true?

I’m always right. It’s like when I’m right I’m right, when I’m wrong, I could be right, so I’m still right cause I could have been wrong. Also, know this, that arguing with a big mouth can and will be exhausting. I will never concede defeat.

Israel: I will always beat you on FIFA, pick any team!

Gottfried: Okay, pick a two-star team, let me pick a five-star team.

Israel goes ahead to spank Gottfried 5-0. Where do I keep my face? Oh here’s an idea…

Israel: Didn’t I tell you! Did I not tell you!

Gottfried: Well, at least I didn’t carry over any courses this semester

Israel: You didn’t have to go there man…

Gottfried: You were gloating too much…

It’s not that I try to come off as mean, it just…happens. I like to think of it as tough love. But know this, when I love, I love unconditionally and will be very vocal about it. So if you’re not trying to get that kind of PDA…