Rob-in-hood

~ Gottfried

If you’re into mind-boggling tales, you’re sure gonna love this one. I want to tell you the most nerve-wracking, compelling story ever written. Strap-on and join me on this journey of the most wanted man in the history of humanity, his name, Uche.

Like all excellent thieves, he started small. Stealing all the hearts of the ladies on the street, Uche was a natural. Did it help that there was a nursing school down the road? Maybe, but they still required a lot of wooing nonetheless.

So with a hearty laugh and an infectious smile, he worked his magic. A winning formula I must confess. Champion of the people, it was difficult not to like the man. Helped people out when their generators or cars developed faults in the estate, played ball with the kids, he was like a modern-day Gandhi, without the meditation.

So how did we get here? You know the sister of Contentment, no not Pleasure, the stubborn one in college, yeah Greed, that’s the one, Greed came into the picture. Uche lived in the boys quarters and maybe just maybe, when he removed the mask of cheerfulness before he slept at night, his discontent came out to play.

The estate had everything, from a gateman who sold groundnuts in old newspapers, to a full-blown “Tailors shop”. In the day, the estate was abuzz with activity. We’d sneak off every now and then to beg for freshly roasted groundouts, looking back, we just might have been the reason Akpan never broke even, but that’s a story for another day.

Uche, somewhere in his mid-twenties was amongst the retinue of tailors Aunty Ada kept locked up in the shop to slave all day. At least that’s what it looked like to me. Perhaps if someone paid attention to Uche when he spoke, hearing the ambition in his voice, what happens next wouldn’t have been much of a surprise.

After refusing to observe my siesta, and committing rather play soccer all day, I retire to my bed. My head had scarcely touched the pillow when I heard a cry!

“Everybody, come out oh! Come and see oh!”

“Thief oh! Thief oh!”

So many questions. Apparently, he was trying to roll the vehicle causally out of the gate, when the enemy of his soul, a certain man named Anayo spotted him and intercepted what would have been the greatest heist in all of Lord Emmanuel’s history.

He is greeted with a few slaps as the neighbors all join the party. I dunno whose idea it was, but in a flash, he was in his birthday suit, bound with ropes, hand, and foot. As the contents of the vehicle were unpacked, the crowd let out a collective sigh. At this point, I’m wondering, was he going to steal the vehicle too? Or is it a syndicate, surely this wasn’t a one-man plan?

The mob is content with their capture and they decide that the best way to go was to lead Uche out in a walk of shame, out of the estate, to the highway. Special guests in this gathering were the ladies from the nursing school. As he walked past, to the jeers and taunts, I couldn’t help but notice that his third leg was paying homage to the spectacle.

He’s handed over to the police, the mob retires. All in a day’s work. An early lesson on being a thief?

Don’t steal in your own neighborhood.

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

204 thoughts on “Rob-in-hood”

  3. Lols!!!Yep! I totally agree. If there is one thing I learnt from this piece, it’s that. You can steal elsewhere but not in your neighborhood! Because my people do say that “he who lives in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones”..
    Again, a prophet is never respected in his hometown, but what do I know….

    Liked by 7 people

    Reply

  8. Another urban masterpiece! 🙂

    All the way through i was sure Uche was going to turn out to be you! 😉

    Now…. Mebbe not?

    (“The stubborn one in college – yeah Greed”: Genius, Man, sheer Gee-knee-us!)

    Liked by 5 people

    Reply

      1. A wise move methinks! 🙂

        Uche was probably not intending to gift his loot to the poor of ‘da Hood’, i’m guessing 😉

        But he got caught – what a c*ck-up!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

        Reply

Leave a reply to Teenom Sarah Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.