We’re finally leaving the church premises. I had successfully waded through the photo session. At this point, I nurse the suspicion that the photographer wasn’t taking actual photos but that’s none of my business. I escort the bride and groom to the limo and we climb in. I pressured them into getting a limo by the way, for clout. Just before we set out, the chauffeur looks back and gives me a wry smile. I know that smile.
Gottfried: What’s up? Is anything the matter?
Chauffeur: Boss, erm, how do I say this?
Gottfried: (getting agitated) just say it!
Chauffeur: We’ve run out of gas!
Chauffeur: But we can manage if we turn off the air conditioning.
I was this close to slapping the shit out of him. But I had to think fast. So I agree and off we go. To preserve our clout we had to keep the windows wound up and suffer in the sweltering heat. Hades.
We get to the venue a few minutes later but The Reception didn’t start till about 4pm. Why? Let’s just say the event center promised the same space to two couples and well, we arrived late. Again, this was the time to prove my mettle as the best man. I walked into the hall and threatened fire and brimstone, only to discover it was the reception ceremony of a retired army generals daughter.
After exhausting all the energy I had fleeing the hall before I could be questioned by the gentlemen in uniform, I downed a bottle of water and went to lie quietly on a bench. When they were done, we were informed that it was our turn to use the hall. At this point, both parents of the bride and groom are hysterical and gradually losing their cool. To add to our woes, the chairman for the occasion had also left the premises, with his food pack.
I hand the microphone over to a random uncle and to my amazement, he gets the ceremony going. The groom and the bride cut ‘a cake’ which they fed to each other to cheers from the audience. The original cake was taken to the wrong venue by the vendor, which probably explains why my phone wouldn’t stop ringing. This is why you should always make contingency plans!
Now comes the part. It’s time for people to bring their gifts and envelopes to the bride and groom in exchange for wedding souvenirs. We had on display, beautiful umbrellas, trays, and bowls as souvenirs and everyone wanted one. Things were going smoothly until I decided to take a peek into one of the envelopes before handing out a souvenir.
Some psycho put the wedding program into an envelope and gave it as a cash gift in exchange for a souvenir! Bouncers! Arrest that man with the red hat and bedsheet looking Ankara! So much for recouping the honeymoon money. At this rate, the only places the couple was going to afford to travel to were their kitchen and living room.
As this is happening, I also get a message that the food and drinks were running low. How could that be? A huge chunk of the budget was spent ensuring that nobody left the reception hungry. So I take permission from the groom and go in search of answers. Before long, I found out exactly what happened to the drinks. One fine gentleman was hoarding crates of drinks under a guest table. Oluwa wetin dey happen?
As for the food, I get information that a particular lady had been coming to the servers to request food “for the in-laws”. So I approach her to ask a few questions. FBI style.
Gottfried: So I gather you’ve been collecting a lot of food packs…
Woman: No oh, it’s just food for the in-laws
Gottfried: Okay, so where are they seated?
Woman: (points to a canopy where some church guys are)
Gottfried: Do you even know who the groom is?
Woman: Yes now!
Gottfried: What is his name?
Woman: (Starts raising her voice) How can you ask me that kind of question
Gottfried: Just answer…
Woman: (Starts blinking really fast)
She suddenly makes a dash for the exit! I chase after her! Oh! It’s on. For an older lady, she was moving! I’m starting to wonder if she’s really fast or I’m really slow(probably the former). In a flash, she’s out of the hall and pealing towards the exit. Unfortunately, as she runs into the road, she gets hit by an oncoming vehicle. As the bonnet connects with her frame, a bowl of rice flies out of her scarf and lands splat on the road.
That’s it, wedding over!
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