The Health Benefits Of Farting

~ Gottfried

I find it really convenient that people will rather pretend it doesn’t happen than discuss a phenomenon that persists with us every day. Dread it, run from it, we all fart! When you eat, your body produces gas as part of breaking down and processing food. Fact! But people, take note, there’s a difference between a ‘fart’ and a ‘mess’. Only victims can differentiate.

And honestly, all that gas needs to be released. This is so it doesn’t build up in your digestive system. In truth, when you hold a fart in, they travel up your spine, into your brain and that’s where all your shitty ideas come from. Agenda!

Farts can fight strokes, heart attacks, and dementia. Looking at the most important of the lot, if you keep farting, you’re less likely to suffer deterioration in memory, thinking, behavior and the ability to perform everyday activities. For every fart, you remember what chores you were assigned! Mom’s glad!

When you feel a fart coming. Not every fart is a fart. Greg learned this the hard way. We (actually they), they were having a fart contest in the PREP class and everyone was trying to outdo the other.

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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart. It all makes sense now really, every single time I fart in the exam hall, the answers start flowing. I mean those around me might be thrown off, but that’s collateral damage.

Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong. I discovered that pregnant women are also given a free pass when it comes to farting. Basically to avoid bloating, burping and flatulence. So the next time a pregnant woman farts around you, you’re supposed to say “bless you” and give them another hug.

Farts help you find your soulmate, or not. They say you never know a person’s true nature until you spend an ungodly amount of time with them. It’s a 50:50 situation half the time and it really sets the tone for how long the relationship will last.

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Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore. If they’re the ONE for you, they will be willing to suffer in silence. It is a level of nasty I hope never to attain. It’s how you end up with airheads for kids.

Farting in public. If you fart loudly in public, don’t be ashamed. Just yell “Jet Power“ and start walking faster. It works like a charm. By so doing, the fragrance travels a longer distance and a lot more people can enjoy it.

On the whole, you should never be ashamed of farting. The caveat? As long as you’re not already dead inside. Farting is like the song from Frozen. Whether you’re at school, work, at the gym, heck even church. As soon as you feel it coming…

Let it go ♫

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

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