The Hoax That Is Valentine

~ Gottfried

My Sweet Valentine. I write to you with a heart full of love and a belly full of soda. If I had only one smile in me, I’d give it to you. Where there is great love, there are always wishes because, Love, is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves- alone, we find it with another. My words to you are as genuine as they are true.

A lot has happened since we last spoke. I grew taller, and you became rounder. Growth nonetheless! And as time passed, I came to the realization that there are a few things I haven’t said and need to get off my chest. You see, there comes a time in a man’s life where he thinks himself into a headache. We have arrived!

I’m never going to admit that I’ve gone broke. Even if I have! As is the case, that’s unacceptable! Not following the lofty standards I set for myself. Worse still, especially on the eve of Valentine. Therefore, I will take a more honorable route and do the right thing!

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Setting the tone right…

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Then dropping the bombshell!…

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Sticking to your guns…

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Pagan Holiday. Let’s skip this celebration. Despite the fact that society tries to pretend that it’s a day of love, history teaches us that two men were murdered in cold blood that day. I know you get squeamish when you see blood so I’d advise you don’t open the gift I’m intending to send.

A flimsy excuse? I understand that relationships are built around love and a support system. That being said, I must admit that you really have some unresolved daddy issues. Only your daddy can love you unconditionally. What do you mean I should apologize for calling you out on your bullshit? Why do you suddenly become Niagara falls every time you’re caught being wrong? Get with the program or vamoose!

But it wasn’t always like this. The last time we celebrated this pagan festival, you did the unexpected and scarred me for life. It all began from a harmless conversation…

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It’s the D-day and I’m really excited to show you what I got you…

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Now it’s your turn. Apparently, you didn’t get the memo or worse? Surely my ears were deceiving me? You took my breath away, literally!

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So I did what any sane man in my shoes would have done. Invoke some old-fashioned juju!

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Were you trying to make it an even number? Plus the one you bought didn’t even fit! Am I a joke to you?

All is fair in love and war. I have decided to climb the high moral ground and offer you forgiveness. But know this, there will be no peace for the wicked! No, I’m not saying that you’re wicked! It’s just a quote you could learn from, you know? Like they always say, we learn every day. Don’t we?

You always spoke about how you could do better without me. You took my dry humor for granted and that’s rich seeing as you don’t have any funny bone yourself. But more importantly, I’ve been meaning to ask you this burning question, since you think you’re so slick…

Valentine is coming?

Valentine is coming?

Valentine is coming?

Where’s your boyfriend?

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

244 thoughts on “The Hoax That Is Valentine”

  3. I remember my dad telling me the whole story behind valentine, just to discourage me from getting a gift for a boy in secondary school. He really thought he imprinted the scare .

    Men are always skeptical about the idea of getting boxers , what if that’s what she can afford at the moment. Whatever happened to “It’s the thought that counts.” Notwithstanding If she can in fact afford the luxury, then definitely there should be an upgrade.

    Nice piece as usual!

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  9. This guy needs to be flogged. You real excuse for shunning valentine is not because of paganism or brokeness.

    Just confess, you don’t have a babe. We’ll fix you up…

    Liked by 4 people

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