The Hoax That Is Valentine

My Sweet Valentine. I write to you with a heart full of love and a belly full of soda. If I had only one smile in me, I’d give it to you. Where there is great love, there are always wishes because, Love, is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves- alone, we find it with another. My words to you are as genuine as they are true.

A lot has happened since we last spoke. I grew taller, and you became rounder. Growth nonetheless! And as time passed, I came to the realization that there are a few things I haven’t said and need to get off my chest. You see, there comes a time in a man’s life where he thinks himself into a headache. We have arrived!

I’m never going to admit that I’ve gone broke. Even if I have! As is the case, that’s unacceptable! Not following the lofty standards I set for myself. Worse still, especially on the eve of Valentine. Therefore, I will take a more honorable route and do the right thing!


Setting the tone right…


Then dropping the bombshell!…


Sticking to your guns…


Pagan Holiday. Let’s skip this celebration. Despite the fact that society tries to pretend that it’s a day of love, history teaches us that two men were murdered in cold blood that day. I know you get squeamish when you see blood so I’d advise you don’t open the gift I’m intending to send.

A flimsy excuse? I understand that relationships are built around love and a support system. That being said, I must admit that you really have some unresolved daddy issues. Only your daddy can love you unconditionally. What do you mean I should apologize for calling you out on your bullshit? Why do you suddenly become Niagara falls every time you’re caught being wrong? Get with the program or vamoose!

But it wasn’t always like this. The last time we celebrated this pagan festival, you did the unexpected and scarred me for life. It all began from a harmless conversation…


It’s the D-day and I’m really excited to show you what I got you…


Now it’s your turn. Apparently, you didn’t get the memo or worse? Surely my ears were deceiving me? You took my breath away, literally!


So I did what any sane man in my shoes would have done. Invoke some old-fashioned juju!


Were you trying to make it an even number? Plus the one you bought didn’t even fit! Am I a joke to you?

All is fair in love and war. I have decided to climb the high moral ground and offer you forgiveness. But know this, there will be no peace for the wicked! No, I’m not saying that you’re wicked! It’s just a quote you could learn from, you know? Like they always say, we learn every day. Don’t we?

You always spoke about how you could do better without me. You took my dry humor for granted and that’s rich seeing as you don’t have any funny bone yourself. But more importantly, I’ve been meaning to ask you this burning question, since you think you’re so slick…

Valentine is coming?

Valentine is coming?

Valentine is coming?

Where’s your boyfriend?

Β© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

216 thoughts on “The Hoax That Is Valentine

          1. Several months for me. Here in Canada, the land of the free (last I heard), they begin stocking shelves in late October early November with Xmas paraphernalia… then there is a Santa Claus Parade in mid-Nov… so I figure if they can warm up that early, I cool off much later than most. Both of our small fiber optic trees are still out, even now!

            The only difference is, they warm up early for the money. I cool off late because I love it.

            Liked by 1 person

  1. πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚… Valentine came and is gone, no boyfriend in sight πŸ˜‚…
    That first paragraph is touchΓ©, tell us you ain’t trying to warm your way into that lady’s heart! I hope she gets to read this tho… πŸ˜‚

    Valentine is gone…
    What did you get?
    Where’s your girlfriend, Gottfried!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. She blew your mind away. You could have tried to understand her from her point of view. I’m sure she has a good heart. She may have wanted to make the number even or the boxer was a test to greater things coming. What if she likes you more in boxers and she’s trying to give you a different variety

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Valentine’s Day … the chocolatiers and florists make LOTS of money … oh, and Hallmark, too. Otherwise … a useless holiday. Bah Humbug and all that rot. However … if somebody really wants to give me a car, I’ll take it, for my van is DOA. πŸ™„

    Liked by 3 people

  4. 2 Things:
    1) SHAMEFULLY: That phone call is something I have done before
    2) Get me an underwear and I’ll use it to chock you on BDSM. The boxers is going straight into you nose while the singlet ties your hands and legs.

    Liked by 5 people

      1. I just figured if you add the value of a car to the value of underwear and divide by two, you get a simple average. And a pretty big one. I would say that is the average value of the two gifts you exchanged with each other, and it is probably much higher than the average for most couples… :)

        Liked by 2 people

    1. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. … To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy 😭😭😭😭😭

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Well, for me, this week is just another week that starts on Sunday and ends on Saturday. Nothing more, nothing less. Also, that technique to summon lightning is URGENTLY needed. Some individuals need to undergo “Factory Reset”. Thanks in anticipation to your response, Gottfried

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Shebi it’s because he got something na…

    The ones of “it’s the guys duty to give the lady gift” are worse… 😒

    All is for love…
    Happy valentine…! ❀️

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Valentine buzz everywhere lolz, most people don’t even know the history o, they just know it’s a day to buy gifts for their lovers; dat’s also a good one, buh what of people that don’t have any lover, any ideas what they should do?πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

        Liked by 2 people

  7. The question is where is my girlfriend? πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™‚οΈ. Well I took your first paragraph I’m posting to one girl like that I feel it will give me some leverage on her 😁. I really enjoyed your post nice work boss.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. This guy needs to be flogged. You real excuse for shunning valentine is not because of paganism or brokeness.

    Just confess, you don’t have a babe. We’ll fix you up…

    Liked by 3 people

  9. I remember my dad telling me the whole story behind valentine, just to discourage me from getting a gift for a boy in secondary school. He really thought he imprinted the scare .

    Men are always skeptical about the idea of getting boxers , what if that’s what she can afford at the moment. Whatever happened to “It’s the thought that counts.” Notwithstanding If she can in fact afford the luxury, then definitely there should be an upgrade.

    Nice piece as usual!

    Liked by 3 people

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