I Hate

Purists will come at me arguing that ‘hate’ is such a strong word, you should use something mild like ‘dislike‘. First of all, nobody asked you! Get a grip! Haha, I’m just joking. Or am I? Anyways, here are a few things I absolutely ‘hate’.

I hate smart mouth kids. You know those kids that their parents have told to say whatever they want, whenever they want? I was scolding this kid and I told him that as a result of his actions, I wasn’t going to buy him biscuits anymore! This little cracker goes…

“It’s okay uncle, I know you didn’t have money to buy them anyway”

The real reason I was livid is that he was absolutely right.

I hate bike/cab drivers that talk too much on a trip. I understand you barely have any other avenues to communicate, but can you please be quiet for a second, please? I’m trying to think! Besides, what do you need my mother’s maiden name for?

I hate getting asked about my job/career. Between us, I know you’re not asking so you’d help. It’s all about making small talk. Matter of fact, kindly send me your email address so I can forward my CV/Resumé for your perusal. Why are you running? Why are you running?

I hate that I was born in West Africa. Matter of fact, was my birth even necessary? I could have done without witnessing the growth and germination of the seeds of greed and corruption. You would agree with me that the root cause of the coronavirus is indeed corruption, no?

I hate it when you tell someone that you don’t drink/smoke and they try to persuade you otherwise. No, it wasn’t a half-brained decision, I’ve seen your dad, he’s an alcoholic! They usually go, yeah you’re no fun. And I hit them with, ‘that’s exactly what I advertised’. Rigid, unmoving and very boring.

I hate that I have to do laundry. It’s up there as the most annoying chore ever! What’s worse is that nobody else knows how much effort you put into getting them clean or even bother to applaud your efforts. After all, they’re ‘your’ clothes! Next time you see me, you know what to do.

I hate weight. Whether it’s on the gym rack, on humans, or in a bag atop someone’s head. The other day I tried to move a cylinder, after a few paces I felt a tug on my groin. I said to myself, this is one of those things we’re not going to be doing. I wouldn’t be arsed about lifting weights, after all, my weight does not determine my worth.

I hate people who yawn with their mouths open. Not only is it unsanitary, but you put us in the full glare of your brown teeth and unhealthy gums. The less said about your breath, the better. Here, have a mint. I just happened to have it in my pocket.

I hate people that don’t adhere to basic dress codes. What was the rationale behind you wearing a striped suit with a striped shirt and a striped tie? Are you trying to give me a heart attack? What’s your role in the movie? PS, some materials are to be reserved for curtains and bedsheets.

I hate visitors that come to the house and try to be friendly. I know deep down that they’re only here to eat. You can drop the act, Aunty Charity, your can of malt and Jollof rice are on the way. Glutton, continue pretending to watch the Television.

I hate that I support an unfortunate football club. What’s more annoying is that unlike clothes, you can’t just up and change the club you support. The only solution is to look for an alternate sport to compete for my attention. It’s been a trying time!

I hate getting asked when I’m going to get married. I already made my order and all things being equal, in the ‘very-too-distant-future’, I should get my delivery. If you’re not trying to go half on the shipping, I absolutely don’t want to hear it. Let’s be guided!

I hate that you’re at the end of the post and you still haven’t let out a chuckle or at least smiled a little. I’m not responsible for your problems, please! Finally, I hate that this post has to end rather prematurely, I was just getting warmed up! But know this, if hate can be taught…

so can love

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