If Dogs Could Talk

~ Gottfried

A dog is a man’s best friend according to experts. Women argue that “all men are dogs” and it’s fitting. We both share one thing in common, we can’t speak for ourselves.

An ethnic group in Nigeria has added dogs to the MENU. Such a shame PETA hasn’t found them out yet. Dogs are smart so maybe it’s not such a bad idea, seeing as they possess all that wisdom. But if they could argue their case, here’s what they’ll say.

Get the damn ball yourself! You’ve thrown the ball a sum total of 1,000+ times and each time, I brave my all to go fetch the ball and bring it back to you, only for you throw the ball again? My friend, better go and get the ball yourself! Nonsense! No respect! Just kidding, don’t eat me, please…

Something happened in the kitchen. When I say I tried my best to cover my tracks I really did, but you got hands and I’ve got paws so it’s really difficult to cover up your tracks afterward. I may have food particles on my nostrils but I want to categorically say, it wasn’t me.

Stop kissing me, I don’t know any better. I might not have a choice since you’re my owner and sadly you’re directly responsible for whether or not I live. But can you kindly ease off with the kissing? Your breath stinks! Do you even brush your tongue? Do better man, pats are cool but let’s leave it at that. Cheers

I pee where I want when I want! It’s natural to go absolutely anytime and anyplace I want. Why are you screaming at me for peeing on a tree? It’s literally the last part of myself I have left before you turn me fully into a toddler. Get off my back! Hold on a second, is that rabies I smell?\

Don’t blame me! Imagine blaming me for thieves breaking into your home. Since you brought me home, you’ve never served me bones as juicy as these. So forgive me for letting these nice men dressed in black masks into your home. I thought they were family too.

I am what I eat. You’ve been feeding me okpa and leftovers and you imagine I’d grow any bigger than this? Can’t you hear my bark? I sound like a faulty generator and we all know who’s to blame. I can only keep watch during the day, you’re not the only one that needs sleep at night playa.

Lastly, I hate the cat. I dunno what kind of a psychopath lives with someone they hate, but here you are, forcing me to live with a sworn enemy. Just so you don’t say I didn’t warn you if you one day find the cat in a pool of its own blood…

blame the witches

© Gottfried. All rights reserved.

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