We’re finally leaving the church premises. I had successfully waded through the photo session. At this point, I nurse the suspicion that the photographer wasn’t taking actual photos but that’s none of my business. I escort the bride and groom to the limo and we climb in. I pressured them into getting a limo by the way, for clout. Just before we set out, the chauffeur looks back and gives me a wry smile. I know that smile.
Gottfried: What’s up? Is anything the matter?
Chauffeur: Boss, erm, how do I say this?
Gottfried: (getting agitated) just say it!
Chauffeur: We’ve run out of gas!
Gottfried: shit!
Chauffeur: But we can manage if we turn off the air conditioning.
I was this close to slapping the shit out of him. But I had to think fast. So I agree and off we go. To preserve our clout we had to keep the windows wound up and suffer in the sweltering heat. Hades.
We get to the venue a few minutes later but The Reception didn’t start till about 4pm. Why? Let’s just say the event center promised the same space to two couples and well, we arrived late. Again, this was the time to prove my mettle as the best man. I walked into the hall and threatened fire and brimstone, only to discover it was the reception ceremony of a retired army generals daughter.
After exhausting all the energy I had fleeing the hall before I could be questioned by the gentlemen in uniform, I downed a bottle of water and went to lie quietly on a bench. When they were done, we were informed that it was our turn to use the hall. At this point, both parents of the bride and groom are hysterical and gradually losing their cool. To add to our woes, the chairman for the occasion had also left the premises, with his food pack.
I hand the microphone over to a random uncle and to my amazement, he gets the ceremony going. The groom and the bride cut ‘a cake’ which they fed to each other to cheers from the audience. The original cake was taken to the wrong venue by the vendor, which probably explains why my phone wouldn’t stop ringing. This is why you should always make contingency plans!
Now comes the part. It’s time for people to bring their gifts and envelopes to the bride and groom in exchange for wedding souvenirs. We had on display, beautiful umbrellas, trays, and bowls as souvenirs and everyone wanted one. Things were going smoothly until I decided to take a peek into one of the envelopes before handing out a souvenir.
Some psycho put the wedding program into an envelope and gave it as a cash gift in exchange for a souvenir! Bouncers! Arrest that man with the red hat and bedsheet looking Ankara! So much for recouping the honeymoon money. At this rate, the only places the couple was going to afford to travel to were their kitchen and living room.
As this is happening, I also get a message that the food and drinks were running low. How could that be? A huge chunk of the budget was spent ensuring that nobody left the reception hungry. So I take permission from the groom and go in search of answers. Before long, I found out exactly what happened to the drinks. One fine gentleman was hoarding crates of drinks under a guest table. Oluwa wetin dey happen?
As for the food, I get information that a particular lady had been coming to the servers to request food “for the in-laws”. So I approach her to ask a few questions. FBI style.
Gottfried: So I gather you’ve been collecting a lot of food packs…
Woman: No oh, it’s just food for the in-laws
Gottfried: Okay, so where are they seated?
Woman: (points to a canopy where some church guys are)
Gottfried: Do you even know who the groom is?
Woman: Yes now!
Gottfried: What is his name?
Woman: (Starts raising her voice) How can you ask me that kind of question
Gottfried: Just answer…
Woman: (Starts blinking really fast)
She suddenly makes a dash for the exit! I chase after her! Oh! It’s on. For an older lady, she was moving! I’m starting to wonder if she’s really fast or I’m really slow(probably the former). In a flash, she’s out of the hall and pealing towards the exit. Unfortunately, as she runs into the road, she gets hit by an oncoming vehicle. As the bonnet connects with her frame, a bowl of rice flies out of her scarf and lands splat on the road.
That’s it, wedding over!
Β© Gottfried. All rights reserved.
lol, The chairman left with his food pack, a whole CHAIRMAN
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Priorities priorities
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Nobody (Free unsolicited but very timeless advice to Princewill and whosoever is thinking of you) should make you their best man
NOBODY
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Don’t allow agenda come in the way of facts π
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π€£π€£π€£π€£π€£what a wedding
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A beautiful one at that π
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Please, wake me up from this terrible dream.
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It’s a brilliant dream depending on where you’re looking on fromπ
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At this rate, the only places the couple was going to afford to travel to were their kitchen and living room
At least they have a place to travel to
π«π«π«πππππππ
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Hahaha
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The kinda best man I carve for π π π
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Haha you sabi
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π€£π€£π€£π€£ typical Nigerian wedding.
This got me thinking if Iβd want an elaborate wedding or if Iβd want to have a best man like you. But to be honest, I no get friends wey Dey think normal.
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Hahaha, you have to conduct a series of tests to decide who’ll be your best man at this rate π
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Oh my Godπππ
I can’t stop laughingππ
First you went to be a heroic best man in an army barrackπ±
Secondly, the cake wasn’t even available at the reception! I never go anywhere, especially not to weddings, but if I find myself in any, the cake is where I always find my eyes on, not that I would taste it in the end, because e no go fit reach meππ Still, I always like how beautiful they always are.
Again, you were really a “best man” to do all the running around, and smart, plus lucky in finding the drinks.
Finally the lady with the food!ππ
But I hope she was okay after the car incident?
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This is probably my favorite comment π. Thankfully you’re on my side, the lady was okay eventually. There may be a third part to the story. Watch this space π
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Of course I believe the story, this is Nigeria.
And about watching the space for a third update on the story? I ain’t going anywhereπ
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Haha you betcha β€π
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Hahaha.. This is incredible.
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It’s a masterpiece π
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and bedsheet looking Ankara!
This did it for me π Haba! πππ
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π€£π€£π€£
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Well done the best best man ever. Expect so many bookings for the job henceforth.
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Haha, I’m glad you’ve got my back. β€β€
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This had to have been true. Itβs too bizarre to have been made up! Truth often really is stranger than fiction! Thanks Gottfried, for the chuckles. And btw, thanks for perusing JanBeek this morning. I appreciate your βlikes.β
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Haha I’m glad someone finally believes me. Think of the likes as my own small quota πππ
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What kush are you on ππππβ₯οΈβ₯οΈβ₯οΈ
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All the way from Sapele πππ
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π€£π€£
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πππ
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Thanks
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Oh. My. Goodness.
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Oh. Our. Goodnessπ
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I have never read anything like that in my life, and Iβve been to some boring weddings. Mind you, that is probably why. I donβt think anyone can complain that this one was boring.
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Haha it was a circus. π
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π€£π€£π€£π€£
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πππ
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Lol what kind of best man are uππ
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Only the best kind πππ
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And now I remember why I haven’t attended a wedding for several decades! I decline all invitations to both weddings and funerals!
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There’s always so much happening!
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π€
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ππ
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Please don’t be the best man again ππ
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How can you pin this on me πππ
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I love that this is hilarious….who planned the wedding mr best man????
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Some evil forces perhaps ππ
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May the best man winππ
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Hahaha you!
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How could you possibly be the best man? Not on God’s rocky earth would i let you. π€¨
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Haha I might not be a good best man, but I’m the best, man π
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Almost everything went wrong. But why did kill that woman?
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She survived π
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Lost you Brother, I had a lot of fun on your site!
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It was a pleasure.
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Here is a conundrum for you, My Lady of thirty years, just left me for another World, I was trying to figure out how to pay the Utility Bills, which were all in her Name, The Local Electric Company took me ten minutes, my phone line supplier took me 15 minutes, I spent over an Hour on AT&T, and they failed to recognize even my old lady’s phone number, which has been in service for 30 + years…..I think the Monsters are going to Hell, and I am going to help them on their Way!
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You might want to file this as an official query and mail to the appropriate quarters.
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Gottfried, I love the writing, but the “Emoji’s” are a turn-off. I think they are best used by little teen-aged girls, discussing their quest for boy’s attention!
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I promise to reply your comments without emojis.
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Thank YOU, I am a Reader, books have made it possible for me to reach the ripe old age of 74, I try to read all of the “Comments” because I like to see what other people are Thinking”, I also read Letters to the Editor, in many newspapers, and since I am such a Good Reader, I fell qualified to feel Free to make my “Comments” Maybe go on Medium, and read some of them, what I do is offer encouragement to Promising Authors!
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You’re 74. Wow. You’re doing amazing. β€
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I have to travel at Light-Speed, because my old Heart could just stop beating at any moment now! P.S. AT&T did not have a help/chat site, although they pretended to have one, it was no-where to be found! Go and try it on their site!
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Lmao. “Pretended to have one” is a classic. I’m allowed to laugh at your pain right?
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Today is “Vet’s” Day, I am a Vietnam Vet, so play with me, let us share words and stories, It is 8 AM here in Alaska, and I have been sitting up^ all night, just playing with my Words……
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Happy vets day to you.
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If you can Laugh at any-thing, Laugh at me, I am a punny funny old man! Here is this License plate I wanted: AMIIGAS, Ask me if I give a Shit!
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ππππ
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There are those Emoji’s again, just words are fine with me, I love to engage in Banter
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Banter is the language of the gods
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Is it??? Or you just donβt like emojis
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πππ
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Who is Rosemarie? That is my Sister’s name! The emojis distract me from the actual words + I think they are Stupid! Like they belong to teenagers, not adults….
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But adults use them all the same. π
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Oh my gosh, this really cracked me up πππ. Another hilarious version of The wedding party taleπ€£
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They might need my services for a part 3 π
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Dope piece
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Bless up chief
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just be sure you donβt even mistakenly marry anyone, with all these crazy ideas in your head. just stay single and be doing your Uncle ministry in peace.
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πππ I can’t read this comment
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Crazy receptionπ, u tried ur best to fix it but ended up ruining Itπ. The couple must hold u responsible.
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You can’t possibly still pin this on me now πππππππ
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U’re the Best Man remember, the chief organizerπ
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Evil forces my brother. Evil forces π
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You Gottfried ruined this wedding πππππ
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Please point accusing fingers at the vendor please ππππ
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Team “chairman for the occasion”.
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He escaped all the madness with his food pack. No manners πππ
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Hahah. I got cracked up where a man put the wedding program in an envelop in exchange for souvenir. Reception was quite chaos
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He thought he was sleek πππ
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Hilarious…..this wedding should be in the guiness book of records.
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Haha you might be on to something
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Lol.
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πππ
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Iβm definitely on the βcool kidsβ table. Canβt tell me nothing!πππ
My chauffeur tells me we are out of gas on my wedding day? Must be laughing gas because I wonβt be having any of it.πππ
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Lmao I’m in tears, psycho said “laughing gas” ππππππ
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Goddamn it!!!! Lmao, I’m in torn…ππ
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Haha she’s something
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Happily never afterπ€£π€£
This is a WOW
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That marriage is rock solid. Don’t sleep. There is something about thriving in the face of adversity πππ
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omo nawa for this wedding…..from the church to the reception all chaos ππ
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When wahala meets kasala πππ
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So loved the end…….
Hope you took out time to catch your breath after the wedding, Mr Best Man.
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I’m taking a well deserved vacation from best man duties ππ
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Lollllzzzzz…….
“Bedsheet looking Ankara”
“Food for in-laws”
So much running around the scene for the best man.
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I was sweating so much, my sweat was sweating π π π
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Okay this is hilarious ππ
Who puts a wedding IV as a cash gift
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People are moving mad these days π
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this wedding though π€£π€£
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Haha I left out some details sef
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Great stuff bro…
But sheβs not fast, youβre just that slow man πππ
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Lol
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πππ
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haha don’t come for my speed man
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Who uses a limo without a functioning AC ππ… perfect description for “suffering and smiling”. Beautiful comic you’ve got hereπ
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We wanted to pepper them, but we ended up peppering ourselves π
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Try that in real life… You think there’s an award for the best best man… In Nigeria,there’s a party when people rush for food. Now go try this,you’ll probably be fixing teeth except you make it strictly on invitation…But I love how you could be so defensive at least in a postππππππ
Thank you for todayπππ
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Haha the chaos that was this reception had very little to do with me π
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π π π
Your head no correct
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It’s only on Mondays na ππππ
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I’m hollering
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Me too πππ
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Lmao π π π
You made me laugh out loud.
You know I was imagining it in my head as I was reading, you even “went to lie quietly on a bench”…Kill me o π π
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My dear, I can’t come, and go, and kill myself πππ
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There must have been something behind that weddingπ€£π€£
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The gods were not too pleased with the union ππ
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The wedding party part 2 π€£.
Imagine thinking you want to recoup honeymoon money from reception gifts.
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We had such high hopes πππ
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Wedding party 3π
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Haha, they should just pay me for the script
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Lol…special kinda wedding
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When you have a classic best man π
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I think this is the funniest post I’ve read. I could relate to some of the experiences here. I laughed so hard. Brilliant writer!
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Haha receptions hit different when you’re the bride π
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Bedsheet looking ankaraππ
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You could tell the material was for bed sheet πππ
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Whoever listens to the best man (Gottfried) to plan their weddings instead of an “ogbonge” wedding planner should be ready for a downside of events… π
πππ
Thank you for Mondays π€
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Haha this is an upside ππ
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Wedding of life
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You know it π
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Ok…what’s it with this climax of a thing….
Ctrl J+Pππππ
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Haha πππ
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I’m going to be your wedding planner (evil laugh :-)
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Haha I wonder why π€
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π
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ππ
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I laughed so hard!! Thanks
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Haha you’re welcome. I’m glad π
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The wedding from hell.
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It really was something π
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Chaotic reception……I expected itπ
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Haha glad you got your money’s worth
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Asin eh
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πππ
LikeLike