The Way To A Woman’s Heart

I’m starting to get to that age where I can’t jokingly promise marriage. Be messing around and ask her to marry me, next thing you know, she’s sewn a wedding gown in her head. Even going as far as picking our wedding colors and kids’ names.

Talking about ‘Gottfried honey, I think you’ll look good in a purple suit’. Yeah, you’re right, only if I was being cast as the new Joker. Then it hit me, the boy is now a man and interestingly, I might need to crack the code on how to warm my way into the heart of God’s most complex creation, woman.

So I asked a friend. Who knows, maybe she had the answer(s)? After all, she’s one of them.

She had quite a bit to say. Started off mundane

And on she went. It was starting to get ridiculous

She still wasn’t finished. And I’m not the ‘picky’ type, she said.

I suspect she thought the question was to describe Jesus Christ! I had to hand her some clay to get started. Now on to lesson number 1.

Care. They say that the only way to her heart is by showing her care. Now some of us don’t come with that built-in manual that enables us to show compassion so it’s almost like we’re at a permanent disadvantage. Besides, you could show a lot of care (by your own standards) and it’ll still not be appreciated. In her words, that’s your job, my friend. There are three things that must matter most to you, her, herself and hers!

Smooth-talk. Now, fellas, you gotta know that if you talk too much, that’s a red flag! Talking too much means there’s a possibility that your words are coated with lies. And that’s why every now and then you have to lick your lips, to lubricate the lies. You also have to pick your moments. Extra points if you have a deep voice. If your voice is high pitched, avoid talking altogether. Learn sign language!

On actual dates, it’s kinda different though!

Here’s an idea. Let’s ask the date, shall we?

The burning question…

All you want is a little honesty. 

The game is the game. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Now back to the lesson.

Listening. Sometimes all she wants is an empathetic ear. It’s not going to be easy, because she’s perpetually talking. There will also be days all you’ll be thinking about is how much jail time you’ll serve if you strangle her, but hang in there. Also, more importantly, do not ever proffer a solution, even if it’s glaringly obvious. She just wants you on her side. You and her against her co-workers.

Showering with gifts. Society has taught us that the only way you can show love is by buying her something expensive and/or thoughtful. Again, this is against the grain for the ‘women are not materialistic’ brigade. After spending a fortune on a gift and she goes, you can’t impress me with your gifts. What now? Take back your gift!

Looking and smelling nice. Now I know this might only take you so far but I like to imagine she’s a sucker for a sweet-scented perfume. One whiff of your cologne and she’ll be expressing her undying love for you. Smelling good means you always get a lot of hugs which frankly is a step in the right direction. Unless of course, you’re short, then none of these things really matter.

Violence. Saved the best for last. As bizarre as this sounds, her love language could be violence. She’d absolutely hate the idea of peace and quiet. So if you’re in love with this crackhead, gear up for DAILY arguments. She’ll create a problem out of nothing and sadly you just have to participate. Stuff like her dreaming that you left her and now you have to apologize in real life instead of calling her out on her bs.

If you’ve tried all of the above and you still can’t find a way to her heart, then I’ve got news for you. The reason you haven’t found the way is simple…

she has no heart

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